//15// I’m In The War of My Life

For a long moment, all I could do was stare at Ryland, my hand cupping my still-stinging cheek.  Realization and clarity began to set in, a ray of light slowly tearing through the clouds of confusion.  Kissing her hadn’t been the brightest idea I’d had, and maybe I had it coming anyway.  My shoulders slumped forward, and just as I was about to mutter an apology, Ryland rushed up to me and, grabbing my shirt in her hands, pressed her lips to mine.

This was surprising.

I tested the waters, reaching my hands toward her waist to close the small distance between our bodies.  She didn’t protest, instead parting her lips and whimpering softly.  Time stopped–the entire world stopped–and I felt myself falling fast into her kiss, losing all sense of the world around me.  All it took was the sound of someone clearing their throat behind us for walls to come crashing down around me; Ryland and I jumped apart, and I spun around to see who had stumbled upon us.

“I see the two of you have made up,” Taylor stood just inside the door to the patio, both hands holding a plate full of ribs.  Shaking his head at the silence, he continued into the kitchen, placing the plate on the island counter.  “You know I’m Team Zacland or whatever in all this but…be careful where you display your affections.”

Without waiting for a response, he turned and walked back toward the door, stopping just before closing the French doors.  “Oh, also–dinner’s almost ready.”

I watched through the glass of the door as Taylor walked away before I quickly glanced at Ryland, whose face was still a little flushed, muttered an apology and rushed out behind Taylor.  The fresh air was welcomed against my flushed skin, soothing the heat of passion and embarrassment.  Natalie was chasing after a newly-walking Willa, who was giggling as she carried a sippy cup in one hand, a stuffed rabbit in the other.  I stepped in and picked her up, giving the little girl a tiny squeeze before turning handing her to Natalie.

“Thanks; she’s getting to be that age,” Natalie laughed, hoisting Willa on her hip.  “How are you, Zac?  Really?”

“I’m getting by,” I shrugged; it was about as truthful as I was able to be–at least with Natalie.  I couldn’t very well tell her my entire world was crumbling in around me–despite how true that may be–for fear of making this even worse with Kate.  “Have you…have you talked to Kate?  She won’t let me see the kids, and I just need to know they’re OK.”

A soft, sad smile pulled at the corners of Natalie’s mouth, her head tilting slightly to the side.  “They’re fine, Zac.  They miss you, but they’re fine.”

“Good, good.  You don’t think; I mean, could you talk to her?  Ask her if I can see them?  I need to see them,” the desperation I felt at not being able to see my kids was seeping out, despite the fact that I was actively trying not to show it.

“I’ll talk to Kate; see if maybe she’ll be open to letting you come over to our place and seeing the kids there, OK?”

I forced my lips into a smile.  “Yeah, thanks.  I appreciate it.”

“No problem.”  Just then, Taylor called out for Natalie; she gave me one last look and another smile before turning and walking over to the grill, where Taylor was with Dad again.

“She won’t let you see the kids?”  The sound of Ryland’s voice startled me, and I turned around to see her standing in the open doorway.  Her hair was now haphazardly piled on top of her head, still wet from the water fight between my niece and nephews.  Her eyes are what caught me, the sparkle I used to adore faded ever so slightly, my own sadness and despair reflected in them.  “Why not?” she asked, softly, when I was silent.

I wanted to tell her everything; the divorce, the drugs, the partying, the sex with random girls.  Most importantly, I wanted to tell her that I loved her and that I never should have drove away that night.  I should have apologized then, I should have taken Kate’s request for the divorce and ran to Ryland’s side out of joy and freedom.  I guess that’s why they say hindsight is twenty-twenty.

“Apparently, I’m an unfit parent,” I finally replied, not bothering to dilute the bitterness of my tone.

Ryland took a step closer to me, her eyes searching mine for answers to questions she wouldn’t ask.  “I’m worried about you,” she was standing fairly close to me now, whispering her concerns on the off chance that someone would overhear.

Anger began to boil in my stomach–she was worried about me?  Now?  All these months, no phone calls, text messages, or even an email to see how I am and now she was worried about me.  “Don’t be,” I spat, brushing by her back into the house.  I went straight to the powder room on the main floor, locking myself in as I reached into my pocket.  I hadn’t remembered actually putting the bag of coke there, but I knew I had it on me; I had hoped I wouldn’t feel the need to actually utilize it.

The fact that I was sitting on the toilet in my parent’s bathroom, spooning small hits of coke with my pinky, kind of made me queasy; once the high set in, however, the paranoia was removed and I was able to walk out of the bathroom with relative ease.

“Oh, Zac!” I looked up to see my mother coming down the hallway toward me.  “I’ve been looking for you; Kate’s here with the kids and dinner’s ready.”

“Kate’s here with the kids?” I rushed past my mother, straight out to patio where I knew Kate would be with Natalie, and Junia and Shepherd with their cousins.  Unsurprisingly, I saw Kate off to the side, talking in hushed voices with Natalie.  My attention lingered only a fraction of a second on her, quickly turning to the thought of my kids.  As expected, they were gathered with the other kids under the hickory gazebo Dad built Mom on their one-year marriage anniversary; they each had a plate of food perched in front of them at the picnic table, Junia and Shep sitting on the end of the row.

I rushed over to them, scooping Junia up off her seat mid-bite.  She squealed with delight, dropping her corn-filled spoon to the ground and wrapping her chubby toddler arms around my neck. “Hi, Juju Bee!   How are you?  Daddy missed you!”  I felt hands tugging at my shirt and looked down to see Shepherd, dancing in excitement at my feet.  “Hey, Shep!  How’s my big guy doing?”

“Good!  Daddy, I got a new video game and a new Lego set and a skateboard!”  I nodded along as Shep told me all about his toys, his friends, and his teachers at school.  It took him ten minutes to get me from his skateboard to Mrs. Tooley, the Art teacher.  I gave my full attention to him, though most of it involved tickling him and holding him upside down.  He had just finished telling me about Mrs. Tooley’s cat–his knees hooked around my forearms, head dangling between my ankles–when Kate came running up, demanding I put him down.

“Relax, Kathryn.”  I bit, easily flipping Shep right-side-up and setting him on his feet.  “I’ve got this.”

Kate raised her hands, consigning to defeat as she turned and walked away from where we were.  Still buzzing from my high, I chased Shep and Junia around the yard a little when they were done eating, scooping each of them up and hoisting them on to my shoulders for a bit.  My legs began to give out before my stamina did, despite how profusely I was sweating or how fast my heart was beating.  I gave in to the weakness of my knees, settling myself on my back in the grass.  Shepherd and Junia sat on either side of me, poking my face.

“Daddy…OK?”  Junia asked when I briefly opened my eyes.

“Mmhmm…Daddy’s OK, baby,” I replied, sitting up.  “That was fun.  Let’s go sit down for awhile,”

I walked, hand-in-hand with the kids, back over to the patio.  Dad had started a fire in the pit, and was pulling out long sticks.  I saw a pile of ingredients on the patio table for s’mores and got excited to teach Junia the joys of a gooey s’more.  I settled down on a stone bench, lifting the kids up on either side of me.  Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Kate hovering not too far away, an anxious look on her face as I stoked the fire.  Trying my best to ignore her glower, I opened a package of marshmallows and grabbed a long stick.  I placed the marshmallow on the end of the stick and placed it in the fire.  Junia watched in fascination as I smushed the marshmallow between graham crackers and chocolate.

When it was cool enough, I handed the treat to my daughter, whose face lit up at the first bite.  I left her to eat her s’more, and turned to Shepherd to assist him in building his.  He, too, dove in to the s’more, humming happily as he chewed.  I was starting to feel a little antsy, looking around at the faces of my family.  Ryland and Jess sat across from where I was with the kids; I caught Ryland’s eye once, but she quickly looked away.  My stomach knotted and my heart started to beat faster; just as I was sure it was going to beat out of my chest, I felt a hand on my shoulder.

When I saw Kate’s face peek down over me, I wasn’t sure how to react; I just raised my eyebrows in question.  “Um…can we…I mean, I need to talk to you.  Please.”  The addition of the word “please” had sounded forced; as if she’d forgotten about pleasantries until the last minute.

Nervously, I followed her into the house, chewing my lower lip.  She led me to the den, where we could shut the door and be away from prying ears.  I sat down in Dad’s old recliner, cringing at the memory of Kate straddling my lap as we made out in this chair on Christmas ten years ago.  Ten years.  I shook my head, returning my attention to Kate.  She was still standing, wringing her hands in front of her.  “Well…?”

“I have to tell you something, Zac…and I want you to know that I swear to God it’s true and it didn’t happen on purpose.”  I narrowed my eyes at her, wiping my sweaty palms on the arms of the chairs as I waited for her to continue.

“I don’t know how to tell you this, so, I’ll just say it,” she paused to take a deep breath.  After a long, uncomfortable silence, Kate cleared her throat and spoke; two words that knocked the wind out of me.

“I’m pregnant.”

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