//17// Over You, I Never Was Over You

“Zac, I don’t…” Ryland held up her hands, backing away from me. “Zac, don’t do this—not right now. Please.”

“Ryland, I’m serious,” I took a step toward her, closing the distance between us with one long stride. “Kate and I—we’re over. Divorce papers are all but signed. We could start over, Ry…be together, for real. Forever.”

“There’s still too much in our way right now,” she protested. “And I—“

“You said you still love me,” I interjected, a small, hopeful smile on my lips. “We don’t need anything or anyone else, as long as we have each other.”

Ryland sighed, shaking her head. “Don’t do that, Zac; don’t take advantage of my confession. It’s not fair. After everything we’ve been through, you can’t stand here and offer me the world and then just…expect me to fall at your feet.”

I caught her wrist as she turned away, gently forcing her to look at me. Taking a deep breath, I searched her eyes, begging for understanding. I let out a soft sigh and let everything I should have said months ago tumble out. “It’s not fair. You’re right. I will admit that it isn’t, and that I’m being selfish. I just…I don’t know how much longer I can continue living this way, and honestly? I don’t know that I want to keep living if I have to. What I do know is that when I think about the Hell the last year of my life has been, I don’t see any of the bad things. All I see is you.

“You have been like a sun that has opened me up to light, Ryland. It didn’t matter to me what was happening with Kate, how numb I felt when I was with her because you filled me with such warmth. You made me feel. And I know I messed up–I’m not expecting you to just dive back into my arms as if nothing happened. What I am asking is that you at least give me a chance to prove I am worthy of you. I don’t think I can make it alone, and besides–I’m tired of being lonely.”

Ryland reached up and gently brushed away the tears that were falling from my eyes, but she remained silent, a bittersweet look of sadness and pity on her face. After a few moments, I swallowed around a lump that had formed in my throat and spoke again, trying to hold my voice steady. “Please, Ryland? You didn’t come home with me without expectation; you wouldn’t have admitted to still being in love with me if you didn’t want this, too. I’m begging you not to shut me out. I know you have no reason to trust me, but I trust you, and I need help.”

“You’re right…I did have expectations when I came home with you. I thought that coming home with you would somehow give me closure, and that we could talk and make everything OK. I should have known better.” Ryland shook her head, sniffling.

“I’m sorry, Ryland. I am so sorry. Things have just been so fucked up lately. Kate’s been running so hot and cold with the kids, and I’d rather punch both of my brothers than be in the same room with either one of them…” My voice trailed off I took a deep breath, trying to steady the quiver of my voice. “I-I’ve been using again, Ryland, and…i-it’s…it’s worse this time. I can’t stop. I just…I need your help.”

The features of Ryland’s face changed so suddenly, my breath hitched in my throat. Her arms were around me within seconds, soft sobs escaping her lips. Despite being the one needing comfort and support, I wrapped my arms protectively around her. After a few moments, Ryland pulled herself away from me, wiping a tear from her cheek with the back of her hand. Still silent, she leaned toward me in what my brain processed as slow motion. Her hands rested gently against my chest to steady her body as she raised herself to her tiptoes.

She leaned in close, and I could feel the tickle of her breath against my chin. “We can get you help, Zac.” Her words were followed by the gentlest of kisses, pressed lightly but deliberately on my lips, before she began to slowly float off her toes.

My body physically rejected the movement, my arms wrapping around her and pulling her closer to me. I held her in place loosely, giving her the option to pull away should she choose to. When she didn’t make a move to free herself of my grasp, I returned her gentle kiss, cautiously pressing my lips to hers for just the briefest of moments.

“I’m sorry—that’s not…that isn’t fair of me,” I whispered, stepping away from her. “I’m a mess right now; I don’t blame you for not wanting to be with me. I don’t even want to be with me; at least you have a way out of my company,” I forced a smile, turning away from her.

“Zac,” Ryland rested her hand on my arm, softly pulling me back around to face her. “I meant it when I said I love you, and I mean it when I say I want to be with you. I just don’t think it’s the right time for that, especially knowing you’re using again. We need to get you help first,” her voice broke, accompanied by a swell of tears.

“That’s a yes, right?” I asked hopefully.

“It isn’t a no,” Ryland chuckled. “I love you, Zac. I didn’t intend to, then I tried not to, and when I realized I couldn’t help it, I pretended not to…but it was all smoke and mirrors.”

She walked back up to me, wrapping her arms around my neck and bringing our lips together again. Slowly, she deepened the kiss, eliciting a soft groan from my lips. She broke the kiss suddenly, stepping away from me; her hand trailed down my arm, her fingers tangling with mine. I watched silently as she smiled, nodding toward the bedroom. It was the only signal I needed; I hurried us down the hall, slipping into the room.

Once inside, I closed the door and tugged my shirt over my head in one swift movement before grabbing Ryland and drawing her closer to me. I lifted her up, gently placing her on the edge of the mattress, my lips parting from hers only to remove her shirt. We somehow managed to remove all remaining articles of clothing and slide under the covers without losing anymore contact with one another. Ryland was lying on her back, staring up at me under heavy-lidded eyes; I positioned myself between her legs above her, my dick so hard it hurt.

It took all my strength not to just plunge into her. Our last time making love, it had been borne of anger and resentment. This time, my heart swelled with the idea that we had a new beginning, and that she was willing to walk with me down this path. I wanted to savor the taste of her skin and relish in the sounds of her pleasure. So, instead of claiming my territory, I hovered above her, placing a soft kiss to the bridge of her nose before resting my forehead against hers.

“Are you sure this is what you want?” I asked.

“Are you sure this is what you want?” she countered.

I smiled down at her, nodding. “This is all I’ve ever wanted…I love you, Ryland.”

She pulled slightly on my neck, bringing our lips together. The slow way her mouth moved over mine sent fire scorching through my veins; I could no longer wait. I wrapped an arm under Ryland’s shoulders, my other snaking around her waist, slowly sliding into her as I closed the space between us. Her muscles contracted around me, and she took in a sharp breath as I paused to allow her time to adjust.

It felt like coming home.

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