neuf.

Jessica had somehow convinced me to extend our stay on tour with her brothers for another few weeks.  She said since we were going to Shepherd’s birthday party, it would be easier for us to just hitch a ride with the guys.  I had agreed, even though I knew my dad would be upset I wasn’t going to be around so close to his wedding.  The morning we decided to stay, I called my dad to let him know our adjusted plans.

“You’ll at least come home for the wedding, right honey?  I know that you’re not Kristie’s biggest fan but I love her.  It doesn’t mean I love you any less or that our relationship is going to change.  And it doesn’t mean I have forgotten about your mother.  I will always, always love and miss your mother.  She was the love of my life, and no one can replace what she and I had.  But Kristie makes me happy; she helped me get out of a dark time in my life.  Please, Ryland.  Think about it.”

“Ok, Daddy, I’ll think about it…but I can’t make any promises.  Plane tickets are expensive this time of year,” I was crying, holding my phone to my ear.  It was the first real conversation my father and I had had since he had announced his engagement.  I had been avoiding him on purpose, not sure what I could say to him that wouldn’t hurt him or me in the process.

“You know that I can help you with that if you need it.  I would love for you to be home for the whole week to spend with your brother and me.  Kristie and I are going on a month-long honeymoon and by the time we get back you’ll be neck deep in schoolwork.  I miss you, Sunshine.”

As usual, I began feeling guilty about shutting my father out.  I knew that my mother’s death had been harder on him than anyone else, even harder than it had been on Oliver and me.  I also knew that he wasn’t looking to fall in love again when he met Kristie, but that the two had connected and bonded.  The longer I mulled it over, the less I hated her.  And the longer my dad kept insisting he was in love with her, the more I believed him.  “I’ll be there, Daddy.  I promise.”

My father and I closed our conversation with “I love you”s and I put my phone back in my pocket, sighing.   I felt fresh tears on my cheeks and brushed them away with the back of my hands, taking in a ragged breath and walked back in to the diner we had chosen for breakfast.

I made my way to the back of the restaurant, where the guys had rented an entire section just to fit all of us in.  I didn’t understand how they could do this on a regular basis; or how they managed to stand having to rent three or more tour buses when the entire family came on tour so that not only could the kids all have bunks, but so could the crew.

What made it even more baffling to me was the fact that there were already nine Hanson grandchildren, and there were still four other kids to get married and start having babies. And, of course, the fact that Taylor and Natalie were like rabbits.  As I took my seat, I heard River screaming at Monroe and Shepherd fighting with Viggo.  It was then that I realized that if I never had a kid, I wouldn’t mind.

Everyone seemed to be busy trying to keep a handle on the kids, who were normally pretty well behaved.  Jess, Will, Demetrius, and I had naturally gravitated to our own little corner of the Hanson universe and were talking about a variety of things, including the fact that Jess’s long-time crush and friend of the family, Joe Wright, and his brothers were the opening act for the next leg of the tour.

I tried to keep my eyes focused at our section of the table, looking at the placemats, Jess’s animation as she described her first encounter with Joe, Will and Demetrius as they listened intently to her.  I added a few quips here or there, but my focus was on keeping my eyes off Zac.  It was nearly impossible; I’d hear his voice from the opposite end of tables and my eyes would instantly be drawn up to him.  I tried to make it casual, scanning over everyone, watching the kids for a few minutes before returning my gaze to the plate of food in front of me.  I wondered how no one had figured it out yet.

I was picking at my pancakes when there was a tug on my sleeve.  I looked up to see Junia, face covered in jelly, gazing up at me with her big brown eyes.  “Up,” she requested, raising her arms to me.

I hesitantly lifted her in to my lap, using my napkin to wipe strawberry from her cheeks.  I noticed she had Zac’s nose and Kate’s chin, and the bright blonde hair of her Aunt Jessica.  I wondered if her hair would get darker as she got older like Zac’s had, or if it would stay blonde the way all the Hanson girls’ hair had.

Reaching around her, I cut up some of my pancake and offered her a bite.  She took the small piece off my fork and chewed it slowly, then smiled.  “Yummy!” she announced.

“Yeah, it’s very yummy,” I replied, cutting a piece for myself.  We sat together that way for a while, sharing my pancakes.  Junia kept the tiny fingers of her left hand circled around my ring finger, rubbing her thumb across the shiny opal of the ring my mother had given me for my sixteenth birthday.

When my plate was finished—most of my pancake being eaten by Junia—I sat back with her in my lap still, hugging her and resting my chin on the top of her head.  I looked around the table to see the status of everyone else; my eyes met Zac’s and we held each other’s gaze for a solid minute; his arm was across the back of Kate’s chair but his eyes betrayed the physical gesture.  He was looking at me, holding his daughter, with what appeared to be a wishful look in his eye.  A sad smile graced his lips before Kate called his attention away from me once again.

**

Zac was sitting on a bench between the Carnegie Music Hall and the Library that shared the same location, taking a few drags off a cigarette.  I sat down next to him, far enough away to not raise suspicion if someone happened to see.  “Could I get a couple drags off that?” I asked.

“Sure,” he handed me the cigarette, keeping his eyes facing forward as he did so.

“Talked to my dad a few days ago.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yep.  We sorted through some stuff.  I guess I’m going home for the wedding in a few weeks.”  I shrugged, handing the cigarette back to him.

“I’m glad you were able to talk things out with him.  Family is important to hold on to, especially when you’ve been through all you’ve been through.”  He took a few more drags off the cigarette before handing it back to me.

“It’s been rough,” I agreed.  “My mom was sick for awhile before she passed.  It took its toll on everyone, my dad especially.  He almost lost his job taking her to chemo and radiation and oncologist appointments.  We were in rough shape financially for a long time.  I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to go to grad school, or if I’d have to get a job to help Dad get himself back on his feet after she passed away.  And when he told us about Kristie, six months after my mom passed, I just felt so betrayed.”

I took a long drag off the cigarette before I continued.  “I knew he needed me, but I just couldn’t offer my support to him.  It was like my mother never even existed at times.  I realize now that it was his way of coping.  Kristie had just lost her son to cancer, and they bonded and healed with each other.  It took me some time, but I think my mom sent Kristie to my dad.  She knew they needed each other.”

“That’s a great way to look at it,” I could hear the genuine happiness in Zac’s voice as he spoke.  “You’re making progress.”

I wasn’t as convinced about that as he was.  Sure, I had taken a few steps forward with my dad, but I still felt suffocated by the web Zac and I were weaving ever tighter around us.

“I miss you,” he said a few minutes later, breaking the silence that had settled over us as we finished the cigarette.

I laughed.  “I’ve been right here for weeks,”

“So has Kate.”  He stubbed the cigarette out and flicked the butt in to the grass.

I let the silence fall between us again as I considered what he said.  “You’ve seemed pretty happy that she’s been here,” I finally commented.

“I am…but…I don’t know.”  He sighed.  “It’s different with her than it used to be.  I still like having her around, love having my kids here.  But I find that when I’m with her I’m thinking about you.”

“And when you’re with me?  Do you think about her?”

“No.”  His response came with no hesitation and I found myself wishing he had paused to think about it.  Or even that he had said yes.

I looked at him for the first time since sitting down next to him.  I studied his profile—the sharp edge of his jaw, the way his shaggy hair fell across his face, the hint of a tear in his eye.  “I guess you’ve got some thinking to do.”

 

 

 

 

Previous | Next