douze.

Taking my time getting ready for dinner, a myriad of possible conversational twists played through my head.  I imagined an “Intervention”-caliber confrontation.  I imagined votes pro-Kate and pro-me.  I imagined admonishments, scolding; a tirade of disapproval.  Steeling myself, I emerged from my room, ready to face the onslaught, faking a smile and excitement over a meal I would rather do without.

An awkward silence hung in the cab to the restaurant, the only conversation occurring between the cabbie and Isaac, who seemed blissfully unaware of the conversation Jessica and Taylor had been having in the hotel room.  I couldn’t decide if I’d rather he was already privy or if this would be a bombshell conversation.  Turning the thought over in my head, I had to assume he already was aware.  This wasn’t the type of topic to broach in public with someone for the first time, lest the reaction be explosive.

My stomach turned as the cab came to a stop and we began to exit the vehicle, my lack of appetite turning quickly to nausea.  I fell to the back of the group, reaching in to my bag and, with one hand, opening the bottle that held a handful of Seroquel pills.  The pill turned sticky immediately after touching my tongue, but I swallowed it without water, coughing a little as it briefly stuck to the back of my throat.  I felt Zac’s presence beside me then, but couldn’t see him—my vision was blurring around the edges, but I wasn’t sure if the Seroquel was taking effect already or if I was starting to cry.

The table our host walked us to had ample enough room to seat at least two more people than we had in our party, but I still felt suffocated and claustrophobic as we took our seats.  Jessica sat to my right, an empty chair to my left.  Zac was somewhere on the other side of the table, but I dared not turn my eyes toward him.  Instead, I focused intently on the menu before me, contemplating just ordering water and a small salad I probably wouldn’t even touch.

Our waitress took drink and appetizer orders, and left us sitting in that awkward silence again.  A few minutes passed and Isaac let out a sigh.  “Ok, what the hell is going on?”

So he didn’t know.

“What are you talking about?” Taylor asked, feigning ignorance.

“The four of you…you’re all acting really weird.  You’re suspiciously quiet, and you all look like someone died,” he paused.  “No one died, did they?”

“No, Ike.  No one died.” I felt Jessica’s eyes roll at her statement.

“Then what is going on?” he demanded.

“Why don’t you tell him, Zac?”  Taylor wasn’t asking; he was telling.

I dared to glance up and catch Zac’s eye.  His face had blanched, his eyes wild and terrified.  When they locked with mine, they seemed almost pleading, begging for help.  My mouth was dry and my tongue felt thick.  I didn’t think I could have spoken if my life depended upon it right then, and even if I could my brain wasn’t processing with any kind of coherency.  I just gave him that same blank stare, hoping he’d save us.  While I had become friendly with his family, it was his family.

Swallowing, I dared a glance at Jess.  She was sinking down in her seat, obviously feeling some measure of guilt all her own.  She had been, in fact, well aware of what was going on behind closed doors and chose to only offer me a handful of warnings.  Once she realized my determination, she backed off.  There was a spot in the back of my mind that got the feeling she wouldn’t have minded at all if Zac and Kate divorced, or if he and I were together openly.  I cursed myself for not heeding her early warnings, but also mentally chastised her for not holding her ground.

It was uncomfortably silent for so long that our waitress returned with our drinks and to take our dinner order.  The situation combined with the Seroquel really had destroyed my appetite, so I just ordered a small salad and some breadsticks.  After the waitress walked away, Isaac just sat there, watching the four of use expectantly.  Finally, Zac cleared his throat and drew himself up in his chair.  “Well, Ryland and I—“

Isaac held up his hand, hanging his head.  “I know,” he confessed.  Zac’s brow furrowed and my mouth fell open.  We looked at each other, then to Taylor and Jessica, who looked equally as astonished.  All four of us turned perplexed stares back to Isaac.  “I’m not an idiot.  I have eyes and ears, you know.”  The way he said “and ears” caused my face to grow hot.  I shrank down lower in my seat, hugging myself as if it would protect me from what was going on around me.

After a long pause, Zac spoke again.  “Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Honestly?  Because this is the happiest I’ve seen you in a long time,” Isaac responded.  “And besides—who am I to judge?”

The siblings all had knowing looks on their faces.  I could only assume he meant he had done the same once, but something made me think there was far more to the story than just that.  I didn’t question it, I just took another long sip from my drink, feeling a little disconnected and fuzzy.

No one officially closed the conversation, but it was clear no one wanted to continue it, either.  There was a period of silence as everyone ate the calamari.  My stomach was still in knots, so when the waitress brought our food, I just pushed it around with my fork for a while, nibbling on a breadstick.  The conversation transitioned in to talk of the tour, the photo book Taylor and I were working on, Jessica’s growing relationship with Joe, and random other on-goings amongst the rest of the Hanson clan.  It was awkward and forced most of the time, but we got through it, and by the time we had dessert on our table, there was even genuine laughter.

It had seemed the group dynamic the five of us had built since my arrival had found its way back to us.  Still, I couldn’t stop this nagging feeling in the back of my mind.  I had assumed Jessica had told Taylor, and that was how he had found out, but knowing Isaac was able to figure out what was going on gnawed at me.  If he was able to see through our thinly veiled affair, who else could?

And how could Kate not know?

**

Zac said we should talk over what had happened with his brothers.  I didn’t really want to, but I still had Seroquel in my system, on top of all the alcohol I had consumed, so I just nodded and followed him in to his room.  I thought I heard Taylor call something about Zac not being allowed to have girls in his room unless he left the door open, but even my hearing was fuzzy at that point.

I fell on to the bed, watching the ceiling fan.  With the way I felt, I had to remind myself it was the fan, and not me, that was spinning round and round.  Zac was talking but I couldn’t understand what he was saying; his voice just sounded like the teacher from Charlie Brown.  Squeezing my eyes shut, I curled in to a ball, tears tearing at my eyelids, trying to escape.  Zac was still talking.  I forced myself to sit up and try to focus on his words.

“…we’ll figure something out…can handle Kate…been this way for months…” his words faded in and out and I had to hold my hand up to stop him.

“I don’t want to do this right now,” I managed.  I’m not sure how articulately the statement came out, but Zac seemed to understand, slurred or not.  It occurred to me that I shouldn’t stay in his room that night, but my legs felt like a weird combination of anvils and Jell-o and my head was swimming.  Unable to move, I just curled back up in a ball on the bed; before I knew it I was passed out.

I don’t know how long I had slept, but before I knew it, my phone was buzzing beside me, rousing me.  My head pounded and my body ached, my stomach angry.  I slowly got up from Zac’s bed, noticing that I was in a slightly less state of dress than I had been when I had fallen on to the bed; I found my pants folded neatly on a chair and my shoes by the door.  It kind of annoyed me that Zac had taken my pants off, but I realized he was only trying to make me comfortable.

Looking at the bed, I saw Zac was still fast asleep, a troubled look on his face.  Hoping he hadn’t had as fitful of a sleep as I had, I brushed a strand of hair off his face.  My fingers lingered over his skin for a few seconds before I pressed a defeated kiss to his temple, sighed, and snuck out of the room.

Back in my bed, I couldn’t fall back asleep.  I lay there, staring at the ceiling, a pit forming in my stomach.  It was the last night Zac and I would be able to spend together for a while, and I couldn’t help but feel this impending sense of doom, despite how hard I tried to keep the fun we’d had over the past week at the forefront of my mind.  After another hour and a half of sleeplessness, I made my way to the shower, got myself dressed, packed my stuff, and then headed to the continental breakfast.

“You left in a hurry this morning,”

Startled, I jumped, spilling the cereal the continental breakfast offered.  Inhaling sharply, I purposefully picked up each piece and placed it methodically back in the yellow Styrofoam bowl.  “It was getting late; I didn’t want anyone to notice.”  Shrugging, I grabbed a carton of fat free milk and made my way to a table against the wall.

Zac followed and sat down across from me, casually.  He picked at the bagel in front of him, but remained silent for a while, considering what I had said.  Eventually, he just nodded.  “What are your plans for today?”

“Usual,” I shrugged.  “Check out the sights.  Go to the concert.  Pretend to be just your sister’s best friend and a generic fan so the rest of the world doesn’t find out as well.  Go home.”

“Stay another night.”

I scoffed.  “Isn’t Kate flying in today for your anniversary?” I spat the word anniversary at him with more venom than I had wanted to.

“Not until after the show.”

“I don’t know, Zac.  I always feel weird when she’s around.  I feel…slimy.”  I pushed the cereal around in my bowl with the spoon, folding the corn flakes over and under each other.  “And now, after last night…knowing that Taylor and Isaac know, it just…I probably should stay away for awhile.”

Zac reached his hand across the table and placed it gently on top of mine.  “I know this isn’t easy for you, Ryland…believe me, it isn’t easy for me, either.”

“Oh, I believe you.  I just wonder what’s harder for you: pretending you love me or that you don’t love her.”

“That isn’t fair,”

I shook my head, sighing.  “You’re always saying that;  ‘that’s not fair’ and ‘it’s not the simple’.  Let me shed some light on it for you, Zac.  It is that simple.  Either you love her or you don’t.  Either you love me or you don’t.”  I felt my cheeks flush.  Tears burned at the corner of my eyes, and I clenched my teeth in an effort to fight them back.  My appetite completely gone, I dropped my spoon and stood up, knocking my chair over in the process.  I walked away, leaving him alone at the table.

The tears that had threatened a few moments ago now began falling, blurring my vision.  I pushed past the person who had appeared in the doorway to the lobby, hearing Taylor call my name after me.   Sobbing, I stabbed the elevator button repeatedly, hoping somehow it would make it arrive faster.  I heard Taylor say my name again; he was right next to me, a hand on my shoulder.  “Are you OK?”

“Do I look OK?” I snapped.

“What happened?”

I sniffled.   “I just made a fool of myself, that’s all.”

Taylor paused, eyeing me, then looked over his shoulder back at Zac, who was still sitting at the table we shared.  “Oh,” his eyes took on a knowing look and he straightened, dropping his hand from my shoulder.

I couldn’t help but laugh at his reaction.  “Go ahead; hate me.  I can’t possibly feel any worse about myself right now so you’d actually be doing me a favor.”

The door to the elevator opened, and to my surprise, Taylor stepped in with me.  “I don’t hate you,” he replied.  “I’m disappointed in you both, especially because Kate considers you a friend.  But I don’t hate you.”

“Why not? You should.  I hate myself.”

“Nobody’s perfect, Ryland.  Mistakes get made…and Zac…things haven’t been easy on him.  Part of it has to do with who we are and part of it has to do with who Kate is.  I can’t hate you for falling in love with him.”

“Are you going to tell Kate?” I whispered.

“I don’t know; Zac should be the one to tell her, but if he doesn’t, she deserves to know.  And in the grand scheme of things, if Zac doesn’t, it would be better coming from me than someone else.”  I let his words sink in as the elevator opened on our floor.   “Look, I’ll talk to him…but I have to be honest with you.  What I have to say to him will not be to your favor, Ryland.  And it isn’t because I hate you or even dislike you.  It’s because she’s his wife.”

**

We had a five-hour drive to San Francisco for that night’s show, and while I was extremely tired—and hung over—I just couldn’t fall asleep in my bunk.  I tossed and turned for a solid forty-five minutes before giving up and wandering to the lounge.  Taylor and Zac were the only ones there; everyone else must have been able to do what I obviously couldn’t.  Sighing, I sat down, watching the expression on both brothers’ faces as they played some first-person shooter game.

Neither acknowledged that I was there until Taylor stood up triumphantly, holding his hands above his six-foot frame as much as he could on the bus.   I let out a small laugh, knowing how gratifying beating Zac at a video game was, and it was the sound that alerted them to my presence.  Zac physically jumped a little, and Taylor spun around, his eyes still dancing with happiness at his victory.

Silence settled over us, Taylor still standing in the middle of the lounge.  He looked from me to Zac, then back again, and backed toward the bunk hallway.  “You know,” he said, a yawn that looked suspiciously forced coming over him.  “I think I’m gonna go see if I can get a little shut-eye before we got to San Fran,” he closed the particle board door behind him, leaving Zac and I alone.

We stayed silent for a long while, avoiding eye contact.  I watched trees pass out the window opposite where I sat while he stared at the floor.  “You’re wrong,” he finally spoke, evenly and quietly, turning the controller over in his hands.

The sound of his voice startled me, and I turned my eyes to look at him.  His hair was covering his eyes so I couldn’t read his expression.  “What?”

“You’re wrong, Ryland.”  He lifted his eyes to meet mine, and I saw this terrifyingly raw look in them I had never seen before.  “It is so far from simple it isn’t even funny.  I love her in so many ways and for so many things, but there are things about her and our relationship that leave me wanting.  I have found so much in you and about you that I love and I can’t…” his voice broke, trailing off.  He took a deep breath before continuing.  “I’m afraid of losing either one of you.”

“You’re so selfish.”  I meant for it to come out biting, but a sob caught in my throat causing my voice to break.

“I know.  I’m a fucking asshole; I don’t deserve you or your forgiveness, but I’m going to ask for it anyway.  Ryland, what do I have to do for you to forgive me?”

I raised my eyes to meet his and thought about his question.  There was really only one answer to it, yet I knew if I gave it I’d be taking a gamble with my heart.  Sometimes, though, you’ve got to roll a hard six.

“Leave her.”

 

 

 

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