treize.

The “fasten seatbelt” light chimed as the pilot came on the loud speaker, announcing our descent in to Charleston.  I heaved a sigh of relief that the long flight was finally over, even if I had just lost three hours of my day.  After I deplaned and gathered my luggage, I found my brother leaning against the rental car booth just inside the exit to the airport.  I threw myself in to his arms in greeting, holding back the tears that had been threatening since I left San Francisco.

Oliver laughed, pulling me away and looking at me.  “Are you OK?” his face went from amusement to concern.

“I am so sick of everyone asking me that,” I mumbled.  “I’ll be fine, Oll.  Can you just…take me home please?”

He nodded, wrapping an arm around my shoulder and guiding me out to his car.  After loading my luggage in to the trunk, we rode to my father’s house for dinner.  As soon as I walked through the door, I heard the familiar mew of Morris as he came running down the stairs to greet me.  “Hey, buddy,” I bent down and lifted the fat cat in to my arms, nuzzling against his soft fur as he purred in my ear.  “I missed you.  Your mommy misses you, too…she said she’ll be home to see you soon.”

Just as Morris leapt from my arms, my dad came shuffling in to the foyer and wrapped me in a hug.  “Hey honey, how has your summer been?”

I forced a smile and shrugged.  “Pretty fun, actually.  Who knew I’d get to travel cross-country with a rock band?”

A huge smile spread across my dad’s lips as he led me to the kitchen, where something that smelled suspiciously like my mom’s spaghetti sauce was simmering on the stove.  He was still talking to me, but wasn’t asking any more questions, just telling me what he had been up to, how Kristie had been handling the wedding planning, and how it all had crept up so fast.

As if on cue, I heard keys in the side door and Kristie walked in a moment later, a bag of groceries in her hands.  Oliver took it and set it on the counter, freeing Kristie’s arms so she could give me a hug.  I hugged her back, for once genuinely.  It was good to see my family, and I smiled at the realization that I finally considered Kristie part of it.

Dinner was delicious, and I got so wrapped up in talking over final wedding details I completely forgot about what had happened in the previous twenty-four hours.  When Oliver finally dropped me off at my house, I was beginning to feel like myself again.  I let Morris out of his cat carrier, made sure there was water in his dish and litter in his cat box, and then flung myself on the couch.  I watched mindless TV for a while before finding my way to my room and falling asleep with a content smile on my face.

When I woke the next morning, I felt rested and at ease.  I spent my morning cleaning up the dust bunnies that had accumulated in the months Jessica and I had been on the road, listening to music and dancing as I did so.  I was in the middle of mopping the kitchen floor when I heard a familiar guitar melody playing, and then Zac’s voice singing words I wanted to forget he ever wrote.

“Awoken by the sunlight, even though I shut the shade last night…”

I changed the roughly recorded song quickly and slumped in to a kitchen chair, hanging my head in my hands.  I knew my Zac-free thoughts wouldn’t last.  I just didn’t realize it would only take a few measures of a song to trigger the vice on my heart.

Not knowing what else to do, I took my iPod off and ran upstairs, searching through my drawers for the first pill I could find.  I wasn’t sure exactly what it was, but I thought it might have been X.  I took it, sat down on my bed, and just stared at the alarm clock on my desk.  The minutes ticked by, and I began floating, and smiling.

Somewhere in my haze, I realized I was bored, lonely, and really hungry.  The only person I knew who was still in Charleston for the summer, aside from my family, was Randy, so I shot him a quick text message asking him if he wanted to come over.  Even through the effects of whatever it was I took, I knew he was probably still upset with me; we hadn’t talked much since classes got out, despite me trying for a few weeks.  When he arrived at my place and stood in my doorway awkwardly, I had to ignore the voice in the back of my mind telling me it was a bad idea, and let him in

Without a word, Randy walked in, sat on the couch, and began to roll a joint.  I picked up the phone and ordered us some Chinese take out, slowly repeating back everything the person on the other end said to make sure I’d heard her correctly.  By the time I finished, Randy was handing me a perfectly straight, deliciously fat, joint and a lighter, offering me the honors silently.

I slumped on the couch next to him, lighting it and taking three deep hits before handing it back over.  I let the smoke sit in my lungs until it burned, my body revolting in an onslaught of coughs.  I tried to fight the coughs back, thinking it wouldn’t be a bad way to go if I suffocated on the headies Randy was passing my way again.  I was getting fuzzy already, my ears buzzing and my mouth dry.

The food arrived then, and Randy and I hadn’t said anything in the half hour he had been there.  When I sat back down on the couch, handing him the garlic shrimp I knew he would want, I smiled.  He smiled back, and though it looked slightly forced, there was genuineness in it.  The silence engulfed us; the only noise coming from an old Cuckoo clock Jess’s grandmother had given her.  I poked at the sesame chicken with a chopstick for a while, not really sure if I was hungry or not.

“He doesn’t deserve you,” Randy’s voice cut through the room, matter-of-factly.

I nodded, chewing a Lo Mein noodle to mush before swallowing and replying.  “Maybe, maybe not.”

He set his container on the coffee table and turned his body to face me on the couch, slinging one arm over the back of the couch.  “Seriously.  He’s married, Ryland.  Any man who would cheat on his wife is just a really shady dude…and even if he were to leave her,” he continued, obviously anticipating my next line of thought, “who’s to say he wouldn’t cheat on you at some point?”

Instead of answering, I got up slowly and walked to the kitchen, grabbing two cans of soda before walking back to the living room.  My mouth was dry, my throat scratchy, and my eyes watery.   I wanted to blame the weed, and while I knew it probably had a large part to play in the symptoms, I couldn’t shake the feeling that a good chunk of it was stemming from Randy’s words.  He was absolutely right.  I handed him his soda and sat back down, defeated.

“Do you love him?”

“I thought so,” I answered honestly.  “But maybe it was just because he was the first one who actually tried, you know.  Everyone else walked on eggshells around me for so long, and he was just…in my face about it.”

“Don’t you think he’s made it worse in the long run?  I mean, are you any happier now than you were before you met him?”  I shook my head, realizing Randy was absolutely right.

My state of happiness was no better now than it was ten months ago.  The only difference was the source of my discontent; where before I was struggling with the passing of my mother and my father’s almost immediate relationship with Kristie, I had come to terms with that with the help of Zac.  For a few months, I had even stopped partying as much.  I realized that my partying had turned from going out and getting drunk, taking pills and sleeping with random strangers to staying in, smoking pot, and sleeping with a married man.

The Seroquel was fading, the high from the weed lingering enough for me to want to pick at the food, despite my stomach being tied in knots.  I was thankful for that, as I had barely eaten since dinner last night.  When I looked up, Randy was closer, his hand on my knee.

“Ryland, just forget him,” his blue eyes, a stark contrast to the caramel of Zac’s, were soft and soothing.  “He’s no good for you.”

“And you are?” a smile tugged at the corner of my lips, an attempt to convey I was teasing.

“Maybe.  Maybe not.  But I’m not married; I can and will always be here for you.  So, even if it turns I’m not in the long run, what’s the harm in trying?  You’ll never know if you don’t.”  His arm was still on the back of the couch, but since he had scooted so close to me it was effectively behind my back.  His chest pressed in to my side, and his face was so close I could feel his breath on my cheek.

There was something uncomfortably comfortable about Randy’s actions.  My mind was coming up with a thousand and one reasons why I should tell Randy to leave right them, but my body felt comforted by his words and his presence.  I took a shaky breath and turned to face him, our lips only an inch apart.  I watched his face, seeing him come to a decision in front of me.  When he made the move to kiss me, I closed my eyes and let him.

His lips were rougher than Zac’s, his kisses more insistent, but he tasted like resin and Dr. Pepper and it reminded me of nights I spent with Zac, trying unsuccessfully to be quiet as we smoked a bowl and made love.  I almost pushed Randy away then, but his arms were around me, pulling me closer, and my mind was so hazy, my limbs so numb, I couldn’t push him away.

It was Randy who broke away from me a few minutes later, smiling.  “Why don’t we go upstairs?” he suggested, standing and taking my hand.  I let him pull me to my feet and lead me to the bedroom, tumbling on the bed and getting tangled in him again.

**

The days began to pass by quickly.  Before I knew it, it was the day of my father’s wedding.  I spent the night at my dad’s with Kristie, waking the next morning to a knock on the front door.  I walked down the stairs, trying to make my hair look less disheveled.  I pulled the door open to reveal Jess standing on the opposite side, a huge smile on her face.  “Morning sunshine!” she greeted.

“Hey,” my brow furrowed in confusion until I remembered Jess had agreed to be my plus one months ago.  “Come in,” I yawned.  Kristie was just coming down the stairs then, looking as if she hadn’t had much sleep the night before.  “Morning, Kris,” I smiled.

“Good morning…hi Jess!  It’s good to see you.  I’m so glad you’re coming to the wedding today!”  Despite the obvious lack of sleep, she was beaming.

Jess returned Kristie’s smile, hugging her.  “I wouldn’t miss it for the world!”

“Alright, so, I hate to turn bridezilla on you both, but since you’re here, Jess, I intend to make full use of you.  Would one of you please get some coffee going and get the pastries out of the fridge.  The rest of my girls should be here soon to get ready, as will the photographer, and I really need to take a shower.”

“No problem,” Jess replied, already on her way to the kitchen.

“What can I do?” I inquired.

“Get your things together and ready, then get my dress out of the garment bag so the photographer can take some pictures of it before I put it on, and then just start to get ready, I guess,” she pulled me in to a hug, and then placed a kiss on my cheek.  “I’m really glad we worked everything out, Ryland.  This year has been difficult on all of us, your dad especially.  I know he really appreciates all the effort you’ve put in with me.  He loves you so much…and I know I could never take the place of your mother, just like you and Ollie could never take the place of Colten, but…I love you both, too.”

A few tears were running down her cheeks, and I knew a few of my own were about to fall.  “Oh, Kristie! I love you, too,” I told her.  “I never hated you or even disliked you…it was never about you, or dad, or even my mom.  It was always about me,” I confessed.  “I’m so sorry I was so horrible,”

Without another word, Kristie went back upstairs and shortly after, I heard the shower water running.  I set about finishing the tasks Kristie had asked of me, answering the door as her sister arrived, followed by her best friend, and then the photographer.  Jess had finished her tasks, and made herself useful to anyone in the wedding party who needed help with just about anything.  I was grateful to have her near, even though I could only think of Zac every time I looked at her eyes.

By the time we climbed in the limo and drove to the church, Kristie was beginning to get extremely nervous.  Everyone tried to reassure her, but she had the typical bride anxieties.  Her sister decided the best thing to do was to medicate her with champagne.  When we stepped out of the limo, Kristie was, for lack of a better word, a little tipsy.  I had to insist that Kelly leave the bottle of champagne in the limo, lest Kristie stumble down the aisle instead of walk.

Jess excused herself to her seat and the wedding party went to our ready room.   It seemed like time inched on, but eventually we received our signal and were walking down the aisle.  The ceremony seemed to fly by, and before I knew it we were back in the limo on the way to pictures, then the reception hall.  Oliver and I were introduced together, son and daughter of the groom, and we took our seats.  There were toasts, couples dances, and the most delicious cake ever.

The end of the night was drawing closer, most of the guests already having said their final congratulations and goodbyes.  There were just a few close friends of my dad and Kristie still hanging around, and Jess.  She found me sitting by myself at the head table, exhausted but smiling.  The smile widened as she sat down next to me, leaning her head in on her hand and yawning.  “You almost ready to get out of here?”

“Mmm.” I nodded, drinking the rest of my drink.  “Most definitely.”

We got up, said our goodbyes to my parents—it was weird to think of Kristie as my parent, but I guess that’s what she was now—and walked to Jess’s silver Volkswagen Beetle.   As we buckled in, Jess looked at her phone and got this weird expression on her face.  She sighed, turning to me.  “You probably don’t want me to tell you this,”

“So don’t,” I remarked.

She sighed again.  “Look, Zac has been texting me all day.  He wants to make sure you’re OK.”

I nodded slowly.  “Well, he has my number.  If he cared so much he could ask me himself.”

“Ryland,” she put her hand on my arm, pausing for a long time before continuing.  “He said he’s going to try to work through his issues with Kate, and he wanted me to make sure you’re OK.”

“Oh,” my stomach dropped at the realization of what she was saying.  I swallowed a lump that had formed in my throat, turning her revelation over in my head for a few minutes before answering.  Taking a deep breath, I forced a smile to my face and looked up at her.  “Tell him I’m fine.  Actually, tell him I’m better than fine.  I’ve been seeing Randy, and things are going really well.”

My words were lies—I was most definitely not fine with this information.  I was most definitely not fine with Zac putting it on his sister to give me the information, either.  I felt a wave of nausea pass over me, but quickly pushed it down and settled myself in to the passenger seat, ignoring the feeling of emptiness that began spreading through my chest.

Jess eyed me, obviously seeing right through me, but nodded anyway.  “OK.  I will.”

Neither of us spoke the rest of the way home, and when we arrived at our house I shot straight upstairs, locking myself in my room.   I dug through my desk drawers, looking for the last of my Seroquel, crunching three tablets on top of my laptop before snorting them both.  I curled in to a ball on the bed without taking my dress off, crying myself off in to what I hoped would be a restful sleep.

I felt myself glass over, could feel myself slipping from reality, but I was also completely conscious.  I was numb from head to toe, save for my ears which could hear nothing but the rapid pounding of my heart and the noises coming from downstairs as Jess did whatever it was she was doing.  Time passed slowly, each minute ticking by felt like days, and my heart breaking just a little more each time I inhaled.

I thought that maybe if I just stopped breathing, it wouldn’t hurt so much anymore.  I tried to hold my breath, but my lungs screamed after less than thirty seconds and I gave in, releasing the carbon dioxide and inhaling fresh oxygen.  Wetness formed in the corner of my eyes, trailing little streams across my cheeks before falling on to the pillow below me, but I was only vaguely aware of them.  Each breath was harder and harder to take, and I finally felt myself drifting off in to sleep.

 

 

 

 

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