quatorze.

This is strange, I thought to myself.  I felt more like I was sinking than I was falling asleep.  I wonder where the ground is.  I waited to hit it, but I never did.   I was aware of a distant beeping, but couldn’t place the sound.  Is that my alarm clock? I don’t remember setting it…

Voice began echoing in my mind, and I groaned, trying to roll over and stuff my head under my pillow.  Something was preventing me from moving, and I just sighed, slowly opening my eyes.  Bright lights overhead caused me to blink, squeezing my eyes shut for a few seconds before I tried to open them again.  I saw a white curtain that was drawn around me and heard muffled sounds of people walking by outside the door.

Realization set in, and I recognized the IV in my arm, which was preventing me from turning, and the intercom sounds of the hospital.  I looked around the white room taking in my surroundings.  There were standard hospital equipment around me, a heart rate monitor attached to one of my fingers and the IV in my other arm, a tray table with a pitcher and plastic cups on it, and a few chairs off to one side.  Someone sat in one of the chairs, slumped over with their head hanging in their hands.  The messy shag of brown hair could only belong to one person.

“Zac?” I tried to speak, but my throat was scratchy and dry.  Whether I was able to say his name or not, the sound of my attempt caught his attention and he looked up.  Relief washed across his face and he scrambled out of the chair to my side, his hands immediately found my left hand, holding just a little too tight.

“You scared the fucking shit out of me, you know that?” his tone mirrored his words, his voice shaky and gruff.

Confusion crossed my mind briefly before I began to remember what had happened.  I got angry, pulling my hand away from his, my nostrils flaring.  I couldn’t think of anything to say to him that would accurately describe the mixture of feelings welling inside of me.  I wanted to say something harsh and spiteful, something to hurt him, but I couldn’t.  Even if I could think clearly, I couldn’t deny the fact that, despite what was going on inside my heart and head, I felt comforted by his presence.

It only pissed me off more, but I didn’t say anything.

He seemed to realize I wasn’t going to say anything in response, so he spoke again.  “Let me get a nurse and I’ll be right back,” he leaned over and pressed a kiss to my forehead before bounding out of the room.

A few moments later, he came back in, followed closely by a nurse.  The nurse checked my chart, then the machines, before turning to me.  She had a warm smile on her face as she pulled a chair up and sat next to me, my chart in her hands.  “Hey, there, Ryland.  My name is Mazie, and I’m the Head Floor Nurse here at St. Francis.  How are you feeling?”

“Thirsty,” I managed to squeak.

Mazie turned and got the pitcher from the tray table, pouring some water in a cup and handing it to me.  “Do you think you can drink it on your own or would you like some help?”  I wiggled up a little in the bed, bringing the plastic to my lips without a word.  Maize nodded, then continued.  “Do you know why you’re here, Ryland?”

I finished the cup of water, handing it back to her as I nodded.  “I…I took some pills,” I confessed, my face flushing.

“Yes, you did,” she smiled warmly at me again.  “Do you know how long ago that was?”  I shook my head, suddenly aware of the fact that I had no idea how long I had been in the hospital.  It dawned on me it had to have at least been a day ago—Zac was in California when it had happened and here he was, by my bedside.  “It was almost a week, Ryland,”

Trembling I looked at Zac.  He looked like he was about to start crying, but forced a supportive smile my way.  I turned back to the nurse.  “A…a week?”  She nodded.  “I…I didn’t…”

Suddenly, I couldn’t breathe.  One of the machines began beeping faster, and Mazie reached her hand out to me, running it soothingly up and down my arm.  “It’s OK, Ryland,” she said softly.  “Take a deep breath, OK?  I’m going to go let the doctor know you’re awake and then he’s going to come in and check on you.  We’ll call your parents, too, OK?”

My parents.  My dad.  Oh, God, I thought.  I ruined their wedding night, their honeymoon.  They were supposed to be in Puerto Rico for a month.  I started to cry, reaching for the IV—I wanted to get out of the hospital, wanted to run away.  Mazie gently placed her hand over mine, that warm smile still on her face.  Somehow, it actually did calm me.  “Hey, it’s OK—I promise it’s OK.  I’ll be back in a few minutes,”

She walked out of the room then, leaving me alone with Zac again.  He pulled his chair up to the side of the bed, reaching for my hand again.  I pulled it away, trying to scoot as far away from him as possible.  He looked hurt by my actions briefly, then the look on his face changed and I saw guilt in his eyes.

“I’m sorry,” he finally said, barely above a whisper.  “I’m so sorry, Ry…I didn’t—.  I just wanted to…” I bit back all the nasty things that sprang to my mind about what he wanted, choosing instead to let him try and finish this painful apology.  “Ryland, I never wanted to hurt you, and I certainly didn’t mean for you to try to—“

“You can’t possibly be deluded and self-centered enough to think I actually tried to kill myself because of you,” I cut him off, a wry combination of a snort and laugh escaping my chapped lips.  “I can assure you, you’re good, but you’re not that good,”

“I didn’t…” he was getting frustrated, though I couldn’t tell if it was with himself or with me.

“What are you even doing here?  Don’t you have a concert to play, or an interview to give…or a wife to see?”

Zac dropped his head, his shoulders shaking, and I heard him sniffling.   “When Jess called me, to tell me, Ike, Tay, and I all decided we should postpone the rest of the tour.  You’ve become like a member of the family, Ryland—everyone was worried about you.  So, everyone decided it was time for a break.”

I was about to ask him whom he meant by ‘everyone’ when the doctor came in the room.  He went through the same routine the nurse did, asking pretty much the same questions.  He gave me more information about what had happened, though, explaining it was my roommate who had called 911 the next morning, how I was brought in by ambulance and have my stomach pumped.  I had been in a light coma since then, and they were hopeful I would come out of it in a few days.  I was lucky that Jess found me when she did, he said, otherwise I might have actually died.

The realization hit me and I felt nauseous again.  I told the doctor, and he provided a bucket for me to vomit in to.  Zac rubbed my back as I did it and I hated that he was being so protective of me.  I wanted to tell him to go away and leave me alone, but he was the only person there with me right then other than the doctors and nurses, and I really didn’t want to be alone in the hospital.  I resolved to tell him to leave as soon as my parents got here.

After I finished, the doctor had the nurse take the bucket away and told me he was going to draw some blood for tests, then keep me one more night for observation.  Before he left, he also told me that because of the circumstances, the hospital could not let me leave until I had spoken to a psychologist, and that he would send one to me sometime that afternoon.

Fucking great. I groaned to myself at the thought of having to talk about what was going on, but then thought it might actually be helpful.  Zac was about to say something when the door to the hotel room opened again and my parents and brother walked in.  My dad looked like he hadn’t slept in days, Oliver in his usual state of unkemptness, and Kristie looking like she had cried for days.

I was covered in hugs and kisses by my family to the point of smothering, and had to repeatedly assure them that I was, in fact, OK.  Once the onslaught was over, my dad turned to Zac and said hello to him.  “Where’s the rest of them?” he smiled at that, and my brow furrowed in confusion.

“Oh, they’re at the house with Jess,” he said.  “As promised, we’ve been taking shifts,” he smiled at my dad, and I realized that Ike an Tay must have come out with Zac, and that they had all been up to the hospital to visit, so much so that my dad had met everyone.

“Well, again, we really appreciate you guys taking time to see Ryland.  I’m glad she made such great friends with your whole family,” Kristie said smiled at him, as well.

“She’s easy to befriend,” Zac said, looking at me and standing.  “I’ll give you guys some privacy.  I’ll let Jess know you’re awake and send her down later today, OK?”

I nodded slowly, watching him walk out of the room.  I turned to my dad.  “How long have they been in town?” I asked.

“Um, four days?” He looked to Kristie who nodded.  “I was confused when we walked in and saw them all standing in here.  I had to ask Jess what the hell was going on!” he laughed.

I nodded again, wondering why he was surprised.  If it had been Ike, Tay, and Zac who had come, that really wasn’t that many people.  “Dad?  Who all is here, anyway?”

“Zac didn’t tell you?” he raised an eyebrow at me.

“Um, no…we didn’t get that far,” I laughed.

“Oh, well, Jess said it was two of her oldest brothers and their wives are here…what are their names, again?” He looked to Kristie for help.

“Natalie and Kate,” she supplied.  My stomach lurched, and I thought I was going to be sick again.  “They’re all so nice, and all so worried about you,”

Shrinking down under the scratchy hospital sheets, I attempted to forget what I had just heard.  It wasn’t hard to do since my dad was giving me this weird look I assumed was concern and anger rolled in to one.  “I’m fine,” I answered his silent question.

“Clearly, you have a skewed definition of what the word ‘fine’ means,” Oliver replied for my dad.  “What the hell were you thinking?”

“I wasn’t, OK?”  I sighed.  “Look, I don’t especially feel like talking about it all right now, but I can assure you—despite how it looks, I did not do it on purpose.”

“It does look like it was intended, Ryland,” my dad’s voice was firm but not angry.  He actually sounded…helpless.

I tried to smile at him, but couldn’t manage to do more than grimace.  “It wasn’t your fault,” I assured.  “I love you, both of you, and it had nothing to do with either of you.”

Kristie nodded, my dad just looking up at the door where Zac had exited a few minutes before.  “It was that boy, wasn’t it?”

The question hung in the air between us for a few minutes before I responded.  Formulating a response as believable as I could.  “It wasn’t really anything or anyone,” I shrugged.  “I guess it was just…me.”

**

True to his word, Dr. Sampson sent a psychologist to my room that afternoon.  He was a friendly-looking guy in his mid-forties, whose glasses sat low on the bridge of his nose.  The way he kept pushing them up with his pinky unsettled me, but I tried to overlook it as he introduced himself and sat next to me.  “My name is Dr. Marsden,” he shook my hand, then my dad’s.  “I’m going to be asking you a few questions about what happened, Ryland.  Mr. Carter, if you don’t mind, since Ryland is over the age of 18 we do need to do this in private.”  My dad nodded, then gathered my step-mother and brother and ushered them out to the hallway.

Once the door clicked shut, Dr. Marsden turned back to me.  “Now, Ryland…tell me everything you remember.  Don’t leave out any details, including what you took and how much if you remember.  If you can, let me know how you were feeling, and what caused you to feel that way.”  I stayed silent, my face burning red, as he wrote on his clipboard.  He looked up and a soft smile spread on his lips.  “Oh, don’t be embarrassed—I’m not here to judge, I’m here to help.”

Nodding, I told him everything I remembered from the night of the wedding.  Once I started talking, I couldn’t stop, and I wound up telling him about my mother, how upset I was over my dad, the drugs and parties, and the affair.   “I guess it all just finally caught up to me, and I didn’t know what to do.  The Seroquel had helped numb me in the past, so I thought if I took more of it it would work faster or something…I don’t know.  I wasn’t really thinking when it happened.”

“Good,” Dr. Marsden encouraged.  “That’s all great information, very detailed, and it explains a lot.  Now, I have to ask you some questions, and I need you to answer truthfully, OK?”  I nodded, already having spilled my dirtiest secrets to him.  “Did you intend to kill yourself when you took those pills?”

“No,” I said, matter-of-factly.  “I had no intention whatsoever.  I just…I didn’t want to feel for a while.  I wanted to just…go to sleep until the morning.”

“Have you ever thought about killing yourself in the past?”

“No…Dr. Marsden, no offense, but I can assure you I’m not suicidal.  I like breathing a little too much for that.”

Dr. Marsden just nodded, jotting down some notes on his notepad, and then pushing his glasses up again.  “OK, Ryland.  Just one more question for you, then I’ll let you get some rest.  Do you think you would benefit from therapy?”

My mouth opened to tell him no, but I stopped myself to really think about the question.  I realized that, for the first time since my mother passed away, I felt relieved having an impartial party to unload on.  “You know…I think I might,” I confessed.

His smile widened and he patted my leg.  “Alright, well, the good news is I think you’ll be getting out of here in the morning.  The bad news is I’d like to see you once a week for the next month, just to talk and check in.  You think you can handle that?”  I nodded my response, and Dr. Marsden said goodbye.

A few minutes later, Jess came rushing in to the room.  “Holy shit, Ryland!  I was so scared I’d never see you again!” she flung her arms around me and squeezed me close.  “I’m so mad at you and not at the same time!”

“I know, everyone is,” I sighed.  “I’m sorry, Jess.  Honestly, I didn’t mean to…I just wanted to sleep and I guess I just…”

“Overdosed?” she smiled at me softly, brushing hair from my face and sitting on the edge of the bed.  “Listen, I’m here for you.  You know that, no matter what, right?  So, the nurse told me you can go home tomorrow so I thought we could order pizza, get some ice cream, and watch bad reality TV all night.  And then, it’s time to get you back on a normal routine.  Classes start in a little over a month, so we can start getting our books and whatnot, and we should totally do something we’ve never done before, like go to that damn aquarium everyone is talking about…”

Jess kept rambling about all the things we should do before classes started and all the changes we should make around the house to make it less depressing.  I tried to assure her I wasn’t depressed, but she just gave me a knowing look.  I sighed, listening to her excited go on for another few minutes before there was a knock on the door.

We both looked up to see Kate’s head poking in the room.  “Hey,” she said sweetly, stepping full in to the doorway.  “Up for a couple more visitors?” she asked, moving aside to reveal Junia on her hip.

“Um, sure,” I said, uneasily.

She walked in and set Junia on the edge of the bed, and the little girl crawled up to snuggle against my chest.  “She missed her Aunt Ry,” Kate said with a smile.  “We all did.  How are you doing?”

“I’m OK.”  The forced smile was back on my face.  “I just wish everyone would stop asking me that,” I chuckled.

“Understandable,” Kate nodded, settling down in one of the chairs.  “We’re all glad you’re awake.  You gave us quite a scare,”

“Seems to be the common consensus,” I sighed.  “I’m sorry to have worried everyone.”

The smile never left her lips, and I wondered how genuine it was.  Did she know?  How could she not?  I wiggled a little under the weight of Junia, who was happily sucking her thumb, one of her little fingers twirling strand of my hair.  “So…I know you’ve probably heard this a hundred times today, but, if you need to talk, don’t hesitate to call me.  I’m not a licensed therapist or anything, but I used to work at the suicide hotline when I was in high school, so…I don’t know, just thought I’d offer.”

I hoped she couldn’t hear the ironic laugh that came out of my lips.  I squeezed them shut quickly, then just offered her a sincere thank you.  What else could I have done?  I couldn’t have confessed that I’d been having an affair with her husband right under her nose.  There was another knock on the door, and Taylor and Natalie appeared, Natalie, bringing a huge bouquet of flowers and big balloons. I thanked them and made small talk with everyone for a while until Junia started fussing and the night nurse came by to announce visiting hours were over.

Jessica offered to say she was my sister so she could stay, but I told her it was unnecessary.  She’d have plenty of time to fuss over me once I returned home.  The thought of returning home made me uneasy, but I realized it was for the best.  I just wondered if I’d be OK once I got there.

 

 

 

 

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