quinze.

She was beautiful.  There was no other way to describe Kate other than that of classic beauty.  I had always seen it, but rarely had it registered; I tried my best not to compare myself to her.  But, she held herself with such poise, exuding a sexy, sultry confidence that reminded me of Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffany’s.  Every time I saw her, that fact was ever-more present, even in the face of an argument or when disciplining her children.  Right now, it was making it hard to enjoy the plate of homemade gnocchi stationed in front of me; so far I had choked down two little dumplings, chewing each for three minutes a piece before swallowing.

I flicked my eyes from her smiling face to that of Natalie and Nikki:  both were equally as gorgeous, both equally as sweet and friendly, as Kate.   The three were all just as intimidating as their husbands, eloquent and regal, with an amazing sense of humor and social grace I only saw in movies.  I wasn’t sure where I would have ever fit in to the equation, whether he had met me first or if he left her for me.  I was clumsy, socially awkward, and certainly not as good a dresser as any of them.

Aside from that, Kate was Natalie’s best friend; I couldn’t picture any future involving Zac and I where Natalie would be OK with it.  It unnerved me to think that if or when things came to light, not only would I have to deal with the fallout from Kate, but also Natalie.

All the Hanson women at the table were engaged in conversations about everything, either talking over the men or drawing them in.  It felt odd to me, but as I observed it just seemed to be a natural occurrence with so many Hanson’s under one roof.  Kate and Nikki had just started talking to Zoe about school—she was a junior in high school in the fall and had to start applying for colleges.  They asked me what I thought of UC, and whether or not they had a fashion design program.  As Kate was talking about her third collegiate accomplishment of the conversation, saying how she graduated top of her business class, I caught Zac’s eye.  He looked extremely bored, despite what I imaged to be a forced smile.  As his wife continued to chat, he excused himself and walked toward the front door, digging in his pocket.

A few seconds later, I followed his lead.  I pushed open the door and saw him leaning against a tree not too far away, smoking a cigarette.  I pulled one of my own out and walked over to him.  “Got a light?”

He looked up and briefly I saw surprise, then a sad sort of smile grazed his lips.  He flicked his lighter and lit my cigarette for me before sliding it back in to his pocket.  “Thanks.  You looked kinda bored in there,”

“Any time college comes up she has to remind everyone of how much she excelled in her program.  I know how well she did—she called me crying at least once a month freaking out over exams for three semesters straight.  And yet, after each exam she’d call me, giddy and giggling, over her A-plus.”  He sighed, shifting his weight from one foot to the other.

I took a slow drag off my cigarette, contemplating him for a moment.  “Why are you still with her?”

“Cutting right to the chase, I see.”

I shifted my weight from one foot to the other, tightening my hoodie around me in the cool evening breeze of late Tulsa summer.  I mentally chastised myself for allowing Jessica to convince me to re-join them for a Hanson Family get-together.  Zac and I had barely spoken over the past six weeks, our last real conversation hanging thickly between us every time we were in the same room.  We still hadn’t spoken about the overdose, or him coming to see me at the hospital.  On top of it all, the knowledge that three of his six siblings knew of our affair weighed heavily on me.  All of it paled in comparison, however, to being in the same room as Kate and how it made me feel absolutely grimy.  There were a million reasons why I shouldn’t have gone, but Jessica insisted it was her mother’s idea and begged me to come.  If I was being honest with myself, there really wasn’t any convincing needed on my part, houseful of Hanson’s or not.

I had come up with at least three legitimate reasons to get Zac alone so we could talk by the time I walked in to Jessica’s parents house, but quickly felt my hopes crushed with the sight of Kate practically sitting in his lap on the living room sofa; she had leapt up and threw her arms around me in a tight hug the second she saw me, going on about how much everyone had missed me and how she was glad to see how well I was doing.  I wasn’t sure what kind of expectations I had had about going there, but I certainly wasn’t prepared for that.  I almost turned on my heels and walked out right then, but knew that would only raise questions I wasn’t ready to answer, specifically to myself.   Standing out on the Hanson’s front lawn at that moment, I wished I had followed my gut.

“She’s the mother of my children, and she loves me.”

“That’s a thin excuse and you know it.”

Zac flicked his cigarette butt in to the grass, watching the heat from the cherry burn brightly for a second before crushing it under the sole of his beat up Chuck Taylor’s.  “It’s enough right now.”

He turned to go back into the house, but I caught his arm.  “What about me?” my voice was so soft I wasn’t sure if I had actually said it out loud or not.  It occurred to me how vulnerable it left me; how desperate it made me look.  It took everything in my power for me to make eye contact with him, and when I finally mustered the courage I wished I hadn’t.

“Don’t be so selfish, Ryland.”  Zac pulled his arm free and walked back in to the house, screen door banging, and left me standing, defeated, in the grass.

Fighting back tears, I followed behind Zac a few minutes later.  I tried to avoid looking at anyone as I entered the room, especially Zac, but all the willpower in the world wasn’t enough to stop my eyes from drifting over to where he sat beside Kate.  They were holding hands on top of the table, laughing over something I had walked in at the tail end of, and for all intents and purposes looked like what he tried so hard to pretend they were:  a happy couple.

As I sat down in my chair, my ears burning with jealousy and anger, my gaze met Zac’s.  For a brief moment, I saw that broken look behind his eyes.  That sad smile pulled the corner of his lips before he turned his attention elsewhere.  The almost-apologetic look made my eyes begin to burn, tears threating to fall once more.  I pulled in a sharp, shaky breath, my eyes turned to the pasta in front of me.  I tried focusing my ears on the sounds of Jessica’s voice animatedly talking about the end-of-semester prank she and a few other students pulled on the Dean of the Art and Media department.

“Ryland?”

The sound of my name caused my head to snap up; it was Kate.   She had a concerned look on her face; it reminded me of the look you give a friend who’s had a little too much to drink—you’re not sure when it’ll happen, but you’re positive that green tinge to his skin is foreshadowing a revisit of everything he’s ingested since dinner.  Her genuine concern made me nauseous.  I swallowed nervously.  “Hmm?”

“Are you OK?  You look a little green, sweetie.”  It was Jessica’s mother who spoke this time.  She reached her arm behind Jess and placed the back of her hand on my forehead.  “You feel a little warm.”

My eyes floated around the table:  a dozen pairs of eyes watched me shift uncomfortably in my chair.  “I’m um…I’m OK,” I lied.  “I’m just tired.  Long drive…If you don’t mind, I’m going to excuse myself to bed.  Thank you for dinner, Mrs. Hanson.”

Ten minutes later, I had found a small plastic baggie Randy had given me, the words “For Emergency Use Only” written in Sharpie on it.  I slipped my hand in, pulling a yellow pill out and crushing it up against the desk.  I snorted it quickly, and then laid under the covers in the guest bedroom, the sound of my soft sobbing lulling me in to a fitful sleep.

**

“You’re CHEATING!”

The words hit my ears like a semi:  I was frozen, terrified.  When I lifted my eyes from the book I was reading on the Hanson’s back porch I saw Jessica’s two youngest siblings—Mackenzie and Zoe—sitting at a table playing cards.  It was Zoe who had shouted the words at her brother, and I watched with relief as she reached across the patio table and snatched a card from Mac’s hand.  Glaring, she returned to her own cards, light wisps of blonde hair falling from her ponytail.

With a sigh, I got up and walked in to the kitchen in search of something to drink.  The fridge housed what seemed like an endless supply of Dr. Pepper and iced tea.  Locating a bottle of water, I shut the fridge door to find Zac standing behind it.  Startled, I dropped the water and jumped backward, hand over my heart.  “God, Zac, you just scared the shit out of me.”

“Sorry; didn’t mean to.” There was a tone to his voice I couldn’t quite place.  It was so…void of emotion.  It made my stomach turn.  I watched him for a few seconds, assessing his body language and waiting for him to say something—anything—else.  He didn’t.  Rather, he stood with his eyes fixed on the floor and his hands in the pockets of his sweater.

“Okay…I’m…just going to go elsewhere, then.”  I ducked past him and found my way to the stairs, my legs carrying me up two at a time.  Once the door to the guest bedroom was closed behind me, I tore through my duffle bag looking for the rest of the Seroquel.  I was just about to put it in my mouth when there was a knock on the door.  “Just a minute,” I called, slipping the pill in to my pocket quickly.

I opened the door to see Jess smiling back at me.  “Hey!  Mom and I are going to the store…wanna come?”

“No…I just want to crawl in a hole and die.  But thanks,”

Jess’s eyebrows knitted together and she walked in to the room, closing the door behind her.  “Ryland…” her voice trailed off.  “I know it’s hard but just…he’s not worth it.  He’s my brother, and I love him, but he’s not worth this.”

“It’s not that easy,” I mumbled.

“It has to be, Ryland.  It’s tearing you in to pieces.  I told you that it was a bad idea from the beginning.”  She put her hand on my arm and pulled me in to a hug.  “I know we never really resolved all this before, and I’m sorry Taylor and I ambushed you guys like that at dinner…but we were worried.  Obviously we had a right to worry, about you both, and about Kate.  She isn’t perfect, and they’ve had their troubles, but they’ve worked through them.  I think they were finally at a happy place…”

“Is Isaac the only sane Hanson sibling?  You obviously don’t know your brother as well as you think you do if that is your definition of happy.  Zac is anything but happy.  He’s absolutely miserable!  Can’t you see that?  Can’t anybody see that?” I sighed, exasperated, flopping down on the bed.  “Jess, have you even watched them together?  Looked in his eyes?  The only time I’ve ever seen your brother smile genuinely is when she’s not around and he isn’t thinking about her.  He doesn’t even wear his damn wedding ring!”

“His hands swell when he plays!” Jess defended.

“Right,” the response was snarky, my eyes rolling.

Jess’s nostrils flared, her hand falling off my arm.  “Look…if my brother is as unhappy as you say he is, it isn’t your job or place to fix that.  He needs to, and the only person who should be helping him, if anyone at all, is his wife.  Which, in case you have forgotten Ryland, is not you.  You have too much of your own to deal with to worry about someone else’s unhappiness.”

“That’s the problem,” I whispered.  “I love him—so much it hurts, Jess!  What am I going to do?”  I was full on sobbing as Jess sat down next to me on the bed, wrapping her arms around me.

“Zac is kind of a gigantic douchebag; you can see that now, can’t you?” her words were light and comforting, her hand rubbing my back again.

I took a few ragged breaths, trying to compose myself.  “And what does that make me?” I sniffled.

“A home wrecker,” she replied, matter-of-factly.  I could hear the smile in her voice, but I couldn’t laugh.  She was right; I was a home wrecker.

 

 

 

 

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