fin.

The Hanson household was quieter than I would have expected it to be at four o’clock in the afternoon. Everyone seemed to be off doing their own thing—at friend’s houses, the store, or just outside in the back yard. I had taken a nap, hoping unconscious would bring relief, but it was unsuccessful. Every time I’d fall asleep, I’d have some kind of dream that would startle me awake, sweating and panting.

Unable to stay asleep for more than an hour, I got up and began to walk down the hall, looking at all the photos that lined the wall. I marveled at the photographic timeline splayed out before me. I followed a line of Zac from the time he was born, through his younger years. His teenage years brought photos of not just Zac, but Zac and Kate. They looked so extraordinarily happy in all of them. My eyes stopped on a photo from his wedding day. They were looking into each other’s eyes, a look of absolute, pure love and adoration on their faces.

I felt my stomach start to do somersaults again and raced to the bathroom, barely making it to the toilet before expelling its contents. When I finished, I just sat on the cool tile floor, unable—or maybe just unwilling—to move. I remembered the Seroquel in my pocket and dug it out, brushing the lint off and swallowing it without water. Five minutes later, an empty smile pushed on to my lips and I stood, rinsed my mouth out, and exited the bathroom.

I began my journey down the hall again, trying to remember whom each room belonged to. The guest bedroom I was staying in, each sibling’s current or former room. I peeked in each, unashamed as I looked over the stacks of books on Mac’s desk or the fabric splayed across Zoe’s floor. When I got to the end of the hall, I pushed open the last door and stepped inside—it was Zac’s old room. Jess had said it was kind of a junk room now—a place where things got stored before being sorted to Goodwill or trash.

I wasn’t sure what I was expecting when I walked in, but it wasn’t what I saw. At first glance, this was still a bedroom of sorts. There was a bed, made with clean linens, a nightstand with a bedside lamp and alarm clock, and a desk with a comfortable looking rolling chair. There was even a dresser, stacked with boxes and overflowing with outgrown clothing. I imagined Mrs. Hanson was waiting for some of her grandchildren to grown in to them.

I sat on the bed and looked around the room, trying to picture Zac in it at sixteen. Did he have posters on the wall? Were there photos in frames on his dresser and desk? Did he keep it clean? What did he think about when he was alone in here at night? Did he masturbate? I snickered at the last thought and rolled on to my back, staring at the ceiling. A spiral of glow-in-the-dark stars and planets swirled out from the light, some spots just the sticky tack that once held a star in place.

When I sat back up, looking at the alarm clock, a half an hour had passed. I felt suffocated in the room, the air heavy and stale from lack of circulation, but I couldn’t bring myself to leave. Somehow, I felt closer to Zac in that room. I slid open the window, breathing in the early evening air with a smile. I was just starting to come down off the Seroquel, and for a few minutes, actually felt at peace.

My solace was abruptly disturbed when I heard muffled voices coming in the window from outside. At first, the conversation was distorted from the roof of the back porch just outside the window; I couldn’t make out what was being said but I could tell whatever it was—and whoever was saying it—it was not a pleasant conversation.

“Bullshit!” came a female voice; it belonged to Kate.

A man’s voice, still muffled, said something to her quietly. It could only be Zac.

“Don’t tell me to calm down! I want to know the truth!”

A few more muffled words from Zac were said, and as he spoke, his voice got louder, his words clearer. “…I’m not, I SWEAR!”

If Kate responded, I couldn’t hear it. The next thing I heard was Zac’s voice again. “You don’t mean that, Katie!” He was calling after her, their voices carrying in to the house. I heard her stomping to the front door, Zac chasing after her. His voice was still loud, but his tone had changed. No longer angry, he sounded more as if he were begging. I crept out of the room and to the stairs, hovering at the top so I was out of sight.

I heard Kate sniffling at the bottom of the stairs. “Don’t touch me!” she shouted. “I can’t do this anymore, Zac.”

“Do what Katie? Not trust me? Be paranoid every time I leave the house? Worry I won’t come home? God, Kate, I’m not you for fuck’s sake!”

Kate paused for a solid two minutes before speaking again, her words slow and controlled. “I’m taking the kids to see my parents for the weekend; I want you out of the house when we get back.” I heard the front door slam shut and for a few minutes, I just stood at the top of the stairs, my heart in my throat, not sure if I had heard that conversation correctly.

“FUCK!” Zac shouted from the bottom of the stairs. Something heavy collided with a wall and I heard a loud crash as something fell to the floor.

I eased my way down the stairs, my hand against the wall for support, swallowing. I wasn’t sure if I should have been about to approach him or not, but I had to see him; to comfort him. I swallowed, took two deep breaths, and stepped out of the shadows of the staircase. Zac had his back to me in the doorway to the living room, hands in his hair. I thought I heard him crying.

Before I could say anything, Zac turned around and saw me standing there. I froze in place, my hand still on the wall, as he glared at me. His eyes were red, his cheeks wet, and his hair disheveled. My first instinct was to rush to him and throw my arms around him, but the flare of his nostrils and cold eyes caused me to hold myself back.

Suddenly, he charged toward me. Instinctively I shrunk away, turning my head and squeezing my eyes shut in anticipation of a strike that did not come. “This is your fault.” He spat.

Trembling, I opened my eyes. I wanted to say something, but realized I had nothing I could say to defend myself, nothing to say to comfort either one of us in that moment. My heart felt like it had been shattered in to a thousand pieces. His jaw locked, teeth clenched, he just stared at me. I thought perhaps he was waiting for me to say something—to tell him it was his fault, or anyone else’s fault but my own—but I couldn’t.

I couldn’t say I was happy about what I had just witnessed, but I also wasn’t sorry it had happened. Or maybe I just wasn’t sorry that he thought it was my fault. In reality, it wasn’t my fault at all—it was Zac who approached me about my drug use, Zac who kissed me that night in the hotel room. I felt the tears flow and did the only thing I could think to do in that moment: I went back up stairs, sprinting up them two at a time when he was out of sight, and shut myself back in the guest bedroom, sliding down the door until my butt hit the floor. The tears started to flow, and once I’d let the first one fall, there didn’t seem to be any end to it in sight.

My phone started buzzing a few minutes later. Something told me not to look at it, to just ignore it and hopefully it would go away. The nagging feeling that I shouldn’t look at it is what brought me to my feet and over to where my bag lie on the bed. I fished my phone out and looked at the new message notification. Swallowing, I opened it up and read a single line from Kate:

“I need to talk to you, ASAP.”

**

Kate and I agreed to meet at a Starbucks not too far from Jess’s parents’ house. Jess and I had gone there before the last time we were in Tulsa, and it was close enough where I thought I could find my way without any help from anyone. I grabbed the keys to Jess’s Bug and made my way down the streets until I saw the large green and white sign overhead. I pulled in to a parking spot and shut off the engine, willing myself to go inside.

She can’t attack you, you’re in public, I told myself.

With the reassurance that Kate was fairly docile in front of strangers, I got out of the car and made my way in to the coffee shop. Kate was already sitting down, a cup of coffee in front of her. Shepherd was coloring a page from his Transformer’s coloring book while Junia sat on Kate’s knee, playing with her mother’s necklace. Kate was bouncing Junia up and down, clearly agitated. It was then that I noticed the dark circles under her eyes and the small downward curve to her lips. I wondered how long she had looked so stressed and run-down. Did I not see it before or was it new?

Cautiously, I made my way through the tables. When Kate saw me, a soft, sad smile formed on her lips and for a brief moment, I was relieved. Still, I couldn’t stop my hands from shaking, so when I sat down, I slid them under my thighs.

“Hey,” even Kate’s voice sounded tired. “Thanks for coming; sorry this is such short notice, I just…I needed someone to talk to, and Natalie is busy, and…you’ve just been such a good friend, to both me and Zac, I just…” She sighed, shaking her head, before continuing. “You guys spent a lot of time together over the last few months. I just, I have to know if he’s…has he been using drugs while he’s been on the road?”

I blinked twice, thinking about the question she had just asked me. “I know, it seems like a silly thing to ask. I mean, I should know my husband, right? It’s just…you saw him at Shep’s party. He’s been…different…when he’s been home. I’ve seen him like this before, and…it wasn’t good. I need to know if my suspicions are true. I just…He needs help if he’s using again,”

“I’m not going to lie to you, Kate,” Even as I said them, the words felt wrong in my mouth. “We smoked pot every once in awhile…but I swear, I never saw him do anything else, other than drink. I promise,”

“Mommy, what’s pot?” Shepherd asked from beside us, without looking up from his coloring book.

“It’s nothing,” Kate quickly assured him, before turning back to me. “Really? Because he sure has been acting like it’s been something else and I…I can’t do it again.” Biting my lip, I nodded. That much, I could attest to with no guilt or reservation: I hadn’t seen Zac do anything else other than smoke and drink. Kate nodded, obviously thinking about something. “I’m going to take the kids to my parent’s for a few days…it’s in Georgia, and it’s a long drive, but I just…I need some time, y’know? Could you do me a favor and just…keep an eye on him?”

“Sure,” I smiled back at her, reassuringly. “He’ll be safe in my hands,” I promised.

“Great, thank you so much. You really are just a wonderful friend.” She stood up, getting the kids things packed up. I helped stuff Shepherd’s coloring book and crayons back in to his backpack and slipped it on to his back. We walked out to her SUV together, and I helped her buckle both kids in to their respective car seats, and gave each one a hug goodbye.

When I turned around, Kate was leaning against the car beside me, a weak smile on her face. I wasn’t sure why, but I felt a strong desire to embrace her. We embraced awkwardly for a few seconds before pulling away. “It’ll be OK,” I promised her. “One way or the other, however this pans out, it’ll be OK.”

I wasn’t sure if I was trying to convince her or myself.

**

The headlights from the Bug flashed over someone sitting on the front porch when I arrived back at the Hanson’s house. Exiting the car, I saw a mess of shaggy brown hair and realized it was Zac. I cautiously walked to where he sat on the porch, sitting next to him without asking. “I just had an interesting conversation with your wife.”

From the corner of my eye, I saw him slowly look up at me, a puzzled look on his face. “About?”

“Thankfully, not us.” I kept my eyes ahead, focusing on the shadowy form of a tree in the distance. “She thinks you’re using again. She’s actually pretty convinced of it.” I waited before continuing, leaving an opportunity for Zac to say anything. When he didn’t respond, I continued. “So? Are you?”

“Are you?”

My nostrils flared, my arms snaking around my torso protectively. “I asked you first.”

“Sometimes.”

“Since when?”

“Answer my question first,” he countered. “Are you using again?”

I thought about lying to him, telling him no. It was only the two times since I’d been in Tulsa, and as a direct result of his icy demeanor toward me, but Zac had a way of always knowing if I was lying or not. “Just twice. Once last night, once this afternoon. Since when?”

“Since you told me to leave her.”

Silence settled over us for a while as he pulled a cigarette out and lit it. I followed suit, taking a long drag on the cigarette. “We’re bad for each other’s health,” I finally commented.

“Horrible,” he agreed.

After a few more minutes, I stubbed out my cigarette and turned to Zac, placing my hand on his shoulder; he pulled away, leaving my hand outstretched in mid-air. I slowly lowered it, fighting back tears as I spoke. “Look, Kate asked me to keep an eye on you. Honestly, I don’t think I’m the best person to be watching out for you, for numerous reasons. So, I’m gonna talk to Jess, have her check in on you or whatever. But, I think, for the time being, we need to just…keep doing what we’ve been doing.”

“Sure.” He stood then, walking down the path to his Tacoma.

I ran after him, catching his arm at the door to the truck. “Zac…don’t do anything stupid, OK?”

His eyes met mine, a small smile playing on his lips as he spoke. “Haven’t you figured it out by now? I always do something stupid.”

With his last statement echoing in my mind, Zac climbed in to the Tacoma and pulled out of the driveway, taillights fading in the distance as I watched him drive away.

 

 

 

 

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