//19// Some Secrets Were Meant to Be Told
The weeks and days preceding tour were generally hectic: ten-hour rehearsals, preparing the buses, booking flights, packing, and spending whatever time with family as humanly possible all took their toll. Despite the fact that I was usually one of the first to be ready, three days before we were set to ship off, I still hadn’t even considered packing. With recent events, I focused most of my energy on the kids; Kate even agreed to let them stay with me for an entire week, after a very convincing argument made by Natalie. With all the time devoted to the kids and practice, I had little time for anything else.
It was nice having the kids around so much, especially because I could bring them to the studio with me. Jessie was at the office helping Bex with tour organization, merchandising, and any other business odds and ends that came up, and by extension meant Ryland spent a good bit of time at the studio as well. It was a comfort to have her around with legitimate reason, and everyone in the office put her to work helping out with random errands and babysitting the kids when we needed her to. Even when she was on a coffee or lunch run, she had her camera at her side, taking pictures to start the photo documentation of the next big Hanson tour.
Being so busy also provided an escape from reality, allowing me to focus my energy on everything other than what was wrong with my life. I barely spoke to or saw Kate, except when it involved the kids, and somehow managed to keep my feelings toward my brothers strictly business. The only thing other than my kids outside of the tour I managed to think about was Ryland. Whether that was good or bad, I could not quite figure out. She provided me with a distraction at the studio, and somewhere to focus my concentration when I was lying in bed at night.
The three or four days before each tour, my brothers and I gave everybody time off. We retreated to our respective happy places, relaxing, decompressing, and preparing for the months ahead where time off would be scarce and short-lived, spent in unfamiliar cities all over the world. I was finishing up a few things at the studio the night before our time off began, ensuring no surprises upon first load-in, when I heard someone clear their throat behind me. I had been so engrossed in my dampening gels that I hadn’t heard anyone enter the room; the sound startled me, and I dropped the container on the floor. I bent down to pick them up as I looked behind me to see who had come in.
A flash of light blue swished across my eyes, and I realized I was staring at the hem of a dress, the smooth, lean legs that stretched below belonging to Ryland. “Hey,” she greeted with a soft smile. “I just wanted to let you know that I finally finished cataloguing the last of the merch and it’s ready to be loaded onto the trailer. Is there anything else you need me to do before I call it a night?”
Over her shoulder, I saw that most of the lights were off in the offices, and there was a rare stillness to the air that only came when everyone else had already cleared out for the evening. “Is everyone else gone?” I asked, even though I already knew the answer to the question.
“Um, yeah. Other than us, Jessie was the only one here. She left about an hour ago to meet Joe and his parents for dinner; I offered to stay back and finish up so she didn’t have to come in tomorrow. Why?” Her eyebrow curled up, curiously.
Setting the gel container down, I took a small step toward her. Without saying a word, my hands reached for her hips, gently pulling her toward me before I pressed my lips to hers. She sighed against my mouth, her body melting into me; the only thing seeming to keep her upright was her grip on my biceps. Already growing hard beneath my jeans, it took an immense amount of restraint not to rip her out of the soft fabric of her sundress as her breasts crushed against my chest.
Becoming more bold, Ryland’s tongue flicked against my lips, parting them. She took no time pushing her tongue into my mouth, and I let my hands fall, squeezing her firm ass. The action bunched her dress, and as the tips of my fingers brushed her flesh a soft whimper fell from her lips. In response, I lifted her off the ground, guiding her legs around my waist and carrying her from the main studio into the office I shared with Taylor and Isaac. I closed the door behind his, and as I sat Ryland down on the desk, I lifted the hem of her dress up around her hips.
“Oh dear God,”
Ryland and I froze, still clinging to each other, unsure what to do at the interruption. Before I could even consider reacting, Natalie had turned and walked out of the room. I was absently aware of Ryland pushing against my chest, hurrying to straighten her dress and smooth her hair. After a few silent moments of tense pacing, she stopped abruptly, and then turned on her heel to face me. “What if she tells Kate?”
I couldn’t deny that I had the same initial reaction, but Natalie had known it was Ryland all along. There had been ample opportunity for her to even accidentally slip up and she hadn’t. It never occurred to me until then, however, the immense pressure she must be under carrying it around—catching us just about to have sex could have been the straw that broke the camel’s back. “I’ll talk to Nat, but I don’t think we have much to worry about,” I forced a smile, hopefully hiding my doubt. “She’s got my back,” I added, though it was unclear even to me for whose benefit.
With a sigh, Ryland hung her head. “I…I can’t keep doing this,” she whispered. She took a deep breath, then looked at me again. “What if it happens, yet again? And what if next time it isn’t Natalie? What if it’s Nikki, or Zoë? What if your dad walks in? What if Kate walks in, Zac? No one deserves to find out that way,” her voice cracked, tears welling in her eyes.
And there it was—the ultimatum: tell Kate the truth and lose her, and possibly my children, or don’t and lose Ryland.
Despite the ups and downs Kate and I had had recently, I felt like we were finally treading on neutral territory. We weren’t exactly friends again, but we were mostly friendly. The bitterness and disdain in her voice when she spoke to me had at least melted into pity, and I was going to take what I could get from her at that point. In addition to just having to deal with Kate was the elephant in the room. Kate had already kept the kids away from me once in the last year, and it was pretty obvious she wouldn’t hesitate to do it again. Permanently.
I couldn’t risk the opportunity of knowing my kids, especially the new baby. I wanted to have the opportunity to show him how sorry I am for bringing him into this situation. It wasn’t his fault that Kate and I were reckless, and he certainly shouldn’t suffer the penance for our sins. There was no way I could atone if Kate kept me out of his life…out of all their lives.
Then there was Ryland. She was there in front of me now, her face still flushed from our encounter. She was biting her lower lip, arms crossed over her stomach, and even though tears were present on her cheeks, my body craved to be engulfed by her; my soul needed to be consumed.
My sigh indicated my concede and I forced a reassuring tone to my voice. “I will talk to Natalie, I promise. And I will tell Kate.”
“Everything, Zac.” Ryland gave me a hesitant kiss on the cheek and brushed passed me, her footsteps echoing down the hall. A few moments later, I heard her keys jingling as she locked the front door on her way out.