//20// It’s Hard to Dance with the Devil on your Back
Despite how much it terrified me, the decision to come clean to Kate the night before leaving for tour was more strategic than procrastination.
I had called Natalie as soon as I had left the studio the night she had walked in on Ryland and I, and agreed to meet after the kids had gone to bed. She came to my apartment, and we talked almost all night. Through a conversation laced with alcohol and pot, the idea just crazy enough to work unfolded in my mind, and it was settled that I would tell Kate at the last possible moment. At the ready, a means of immediate—and long term—escape from having to bear the full weight of her reaction disguised as a genuine attempt at taking responsibility for my actions. I will tell her I understand her wanting her space, and her wanting that space to include the kids.
When I played the scene out in my head, Kate’s head always started spinning around like Linda Blair in The Exorcist, except instead of spewing pea soup she tore off my testicles.
When the time finally came for me to ask Kate if I could speak with her—face-to-face—I stared at the phone in my hand for twenty minutes before remembering how the damn thing functioned. Kate had the same cell phone number since college, and I knew it so well that even though she was in my contact list it always seemed faster to just dial it. The first time I had told her I loved her was after dialing that number; it hadn’t been planned, but the words tumbled out of my mouth against my will after she answered with a Star Wars quote; which she butchered. I knew she had only just watched them, on my behest, and between the chuckles the words slipped out.
I remembered the terror that overtook my body once I’d realized what I had said. The line had gone silent, and for a brief moment, I thought she had hung up on me. Time seemed to stand still as I held my breath, waiting for some kind of response, my insides threatening to explode. That feeling was creeping into my stomach as I carefully, slowly, pushed each number. She answered it on the third ring, and I somehow had managed to maintain my composure enough to ask if I could come see the kids for a little while, and knowing I would be gone for at least the next three weeks, she had agreed.
The Rebel’s engine purred between my thighs as I maneuvered down familiar streets lined with familiar buildings, making my way to the house I used to call home. The front porch light was on when I finally arrive, the storm door open behind the screen. Junia’s laughter carried to the driveway, and I found myself smiling despite the fear that was growing in my chest. I cautiously wrapped twice on the door and let myself in. Junia came toddling toward me holding three open markers in her hands, a huge smile on her little face, and wrapped my legs in a hug. “Daddy!” she squealed.
I scooped her up into my arms, kissing her square on her lips. “Hello, my little princess,” the delight in her eyes made the fact that I likely had marker on the back of my jeans unimportant. Junia began to wriggle in my arms, and I set her bare feet back to the floor just as Kate poked into the room from the kitchen.
“Hi, Zac,” Her tone was shaky, Her hands on the back of her hips; she did this often, but I never really noticed how her elbows pointed almost completely backward. “How are you?”
“Good, good,” I nodded. “How are you?”
“I’m alright,” she replied with a nod. I hated how awkward this was, when we used to be so comfortable around one another. We used to share everything, every moment of our lives, with one another and now it was as if we were complete strangers meeting for the first time. Had we changed that much? Had I changed that much?
Somehow I made my way to the couch, sinking into the soft, familiar microfiber with a sigh. My stomach began to turn, knowing that soon I would have to let Kate know the biggest secret I’ve ever kept from her. The pending bomb ticked away in the back of my mind, and despite the fact that I tried to focus all of my attention on Shepherd and Junia, I couldn’t help but notice the way Kate shifted her weight in the recliner, her hand resting on the small, barely visible, bump where our new child grew.
Together, we watched as the kids played, some game show on in the background providing enough distraction to cut through the awkward tension in our silence. In rotating succession, the kids ran up to me, sharing their latest drawing and toys, and for a solid forty-five minutes I was taken back to the way things were just a few years ago. The realization that I had relaxed, and by the looks of it, so had Kate, made me feel a little better. The terror in my stomach was still stirring, but I somehow knew that this was the right thing to do, and that knowledge calmed me enough to broach the subject.
“Um, Kate?” It wasn’t the most eloquent start, but I couldn’t think of a better way to begin, and at the sound of my voice, Kate jumped, obviously startled. I wonder if she had forgotten I was even there. “Sorry;” I laughed nervously. “I, um. I wanted to talk to you. It’s important, and I should have told you a long time ago. I couldn’t go on tour without telling you first; it’s been eating me up for a long time, and I wouldn’t have been able to last that much longer with it.” I paused, taking a moment to draw the strength to continue. “What I have to tell you, Katie–it’s going to hurt. And I want you to know ahead of time that it is all my fault, and I am so sorry.”
“Zac, you’re scaring me. Whatever it is, please just tell me,” her voice shook as she spoke, her arms crossing over her belly protectively.
I took a shaky breath, licked my lips, then began my confession. Despite the effort it had taken to start, now that I was going I couldn’t stop. I told her everything, every detail; the affair, the drugs, and all of the lying. Something wet hit my hand, and I realized that I had started crying at some point and hadn’t even noticed. The thought caused me to stumble over my words, and then I felt my throat close up. Breath was difficult; words impossible. I drew in a deep breath, one that I felt myself lose control of on the way out. My body began to tremble as I sobbed, and the only thing I could do was sit, slouched, on the couch with my arm over my eyes. Junia’s distressed whimpers at seeing me in my current state only made it worse.
The couch shifted next to me as Kate got up to go to Junia, and I heard her ask Shepherd to come with her, then heard them leave the room. A few minutes later, the couch shifted again, this time from Kate’s weight directly next to me. I felt her arms slip around me and her head rest on my chest. For a long time, we remained like that. She did not speak to me; she just held me, and slowly I regained proper breathing. Once I felt like I could see again, I moved my arm off my face, wiping my cheeks as I sat up.
Kate adjusted herself a few inches away, but still close enough to touch, and she rested her hand on my knee. A sad smile pulled the corner of her lips and she sighed. “Zac…I know. “
“Y—you do?” my brow furrowed in confusion, but it made sense. While I hadn’t flaunted it, I also didn’t exactly try very hard to cover my tracks, and when it came down to it, there were not that many other women in my life I would have had an affair with. “How long?”
“I suspected for awhile, but when I came over to your place and saw her there, I knew.” She shrugged, her hands now folder in her lap.
“Why didn’t you say something then?”
“Well, there was still a little bit of doubt, you know? I hadn’t actually seen you with her, so I had no real way of knowing. Besides; I was waiting for you to tell me yourself,” she explained.
“And now that I have…are you going to kill me?” she was still sitting so close; while I had no real reason to feel threatened, I couldn’t help but think of all the crimes of passion being committed by scorned lovers. A soft laugh escaped her, and she gently shook her head; it concerned me, so I pressed. “Seriously, Katie—you are taking this awfully well. If you’re not secretly plotting your revenge, why aren’t you upset?”
“I am upset, Zac. I have just been upset for so long…we’ve been having trouble since before we got married, and I just have been…” Kate trailed off shaking her head, letting out a small laugh of contempt. “I knew you could help her, Zac…and you did. That type of experience bonds people together; our bond had already begun to break long before, and I wasn’t prepared to admit that, or to see you develop a new one so quickly. But what choice did I have? My only option was to let whatever was going to happen just happen. Che serra.” She waved her hand flippantly as her voice cracked, and tears began to fall down her cheeks.
In that moment, it finally occurred to both of us that it was over, and it was her turn to grieve the mistakes we had made. I took her into my arms as she cried, holding her close. “I am so sorry, Katie;” I whispered. “This was never what I intended, never what I wanted.”
In response, Kate sat up with a sniffle; that sad smile was back on her lips, but her eyes looked brighter and she sat up a little straighter. “I’m afraid to say this was long overdue…but I love you, Zac; always have, always will. I just want you to know that. No matter what, I will always love you.”
Her words comforted me, and my smile curled into that same sad smile she held. For the first time in a long time, I knew exactly how she felt. That weight of carrying around so many secrets, so much guilt, and so much anger lifted and all that was replaced with a peaceful calm. As we sat there, Kate’s presence once again began to set me at ease, instead of causing me to be on pins and needles. Emotions I had forgotten existed came over me, and I instinctively leaned forward to kiss Kate. She provided no protest, and the kiss ended shortly after it began.
“I want you to be a part of your children’s lives,” she added. “And I want us to be friends, for their sake.”
“Do you think that’s even possible?”
“It will take some time, but…I think so.”
Her optimism only added to my relief, and I nodded standing. “I should get going. I have an early fight and I still haven’t packed,” Kate nodded, and I turned to let myself out. I paused in the doorway, turning around. “Do you remember Saint Lucia? That feeling you got when we went scuba diving?”
“Yeah?” Kate’s brow furrowed.
“That’s how I feel when I’m around Ryland. I don’t want to make things hard on you, but I have to see.” I sighed. “I’m sorry if that changes things, but I just can’t let what could be the second-greatest love of my life pass by—I already screwed up once. How many chances will I have?”
“Only the second-greatest love of your life?”
I shrugged, smiling back at her. “You know you will always be my great love lost.”
“If she gives you the scuba feeling, how can I stand in your way?” she replied. “Despite sleeping with her friends husband…she’s a good person, and I think you will both be good for each other. But don’t mind me if I keep my distance for awhile.”
I agreed she should have her time, which was perfect since I was headed on tour. I told her I would call to talk to the kids and made my exit, shocked that it had gone so well. The entire ride home, I contemplated all the various ways she could be plotting against me. It wasn’t in Kate’s nature to be outright malicious or vengeful, but I certainly didn’t expect her being so at ease with the situation. I decided not to dwell on it, and not to wait for the other shoe to drop; the best thing to do was to just let it play out. With that resolve in my pocket, I headed up to the apartment and began packing for tour.