six.

When the timer went off, I sighed, reviewing my test answers in a hurry as the other students scurried to hand their exams in.  I shuffled down to the professor’s desk, hesitantly placed my test in the pile, then turned and headed back to my seat.  I was slinging my bag over my shoulder when Randy came up beside me, asking about lunch.

The topic of food made me realize my stomach was growling angrily at me.  I had been far too nervous about the biopsychology final to think of breakfast that morning, and thus had only had water so far.  We were about to exit the lecture hall on our way to the student union café when I heard my name being called.

I recognized the voice instantly, and my heart began to beat rapidly in my chest.

When I turned, Zac was standing to the side of the door with his hands in his jeans pockets, a goofy smile on his face.  I pushed my way through the students trying to leave the lecture hall until I got to where he was standing, and then threw my arms around his shoulders in a hug.  I wanted to kiss him, but I knew that could be dangerous.  Despite keeping out of the mainstream, Hanson still had a gigantic following and fans lurked everywhere.  If someone saw us together, it could spell disaster for him.  The backlash from the fans alone would be horrendous, let alone the fact that it would probably lead to a mess with Kate neither of us wanted to deal with.

I reluctantly extricated myself from our embrace after a few seconds and pushed him playfully in the arm.  “What are you doing here?”

“Jess’s last exam was today, so my Tay, Ike, and I came up to take her out to celebrate the end of the semester.  You presence is obviously demanded,” he added with a grin.

I curtseyed, winking at him.  “How long are you guys in town for?”

“Just a couple of days, but tomorrow we’ve actually got work to do.  We booked a radio interview while we’re in town to get some buzz going about the new album, and the station asked us if we’d do a surprise concert at the studio for a small group of fans, and then we leave Thursday morning.”

“Oh, so…you don’t have a whole lot of free time, then?” He shook his head, frowning. “Well…what are you doing right now?  Randy and I were going to go to the Union for some lunch,” I offered.

“Oh,” Zac looked at his watch, biting his lower lip.  “Actually, I can’t right now.  I just wanted to see you before tonight,” he lowered his voice, looking around.  The lecture hall was now empty except for us, and a huge smile spread across his face. “C’mere,” he pulled me against him embracing me tightly and pressing his lips to mine.

Time felt as if it stopped as his lips moved against mine. His hands cupped my face, traced a path along my arms, rested on my hips, tangled in my hair, and wrapped around my back in an electrifying pattern.  I let out a soft moan feeling his hands pull me closer against him.  When we finally broke away, breathing heavy, his eyes were glistening.  “I missed you,” he whispered.  “I’ve gotta go, though—I’ll see you tonight, ok?”

I nodded, smiling, as I watched him dart out of the lecture hall.  After a few moments to catch my breath, I walked out of the lecture hall, looking for Randy.  He was standing against the window across the hall, arms crossed over his chest.  “So that’s the famous Zac Hanson,” he commented.  I bit my lip, trying to hide my smile, as I nodded.  “He looks pretty ordinary to me.  I thought he’d sparkle in the sun or something.”

“He’s a musician, not a vampire, Randy,” I nudged him as we walked toward the café.  “Although, I would probably let him suck my blood if he asked.”

“What?” Randy sounded disgusted and intrigued all at the same time.

“I’m kidding!”

“Yeah, that’s what you were saying Saturday night,” Randy’s voice darkened slightly, a note of skepticism creeping in.

“Seriously, we’re friends.  He’s married.”

“Ok, whatever you say, Ryland.”  Randy walked the rest of the way to the café in silence, and ate half of his sandwich before saying anything to me again.  “So, since there’s nothing going on with you and Zac does that mean you’ll be free tonight for a movie?”

I stopped moving, my sandwich halfway to my mouth, when he spoke.  I set my sandwich down and took a sip of my drink, trying to buy some time.  “Well, not exactly,” I fidgeted nervously in my seat.  “All three of Jess’s older brothers are here and they’re taking her out to dinner tonight…and they asked me to come along.  I mean, they’re like my older brothers at this point!” I laughed, taking another sip of my drink.

“Right, well…maybe some other time,” Randy got up then and walked away without saying a word.

I thought of going after him but wasn’t sure what I would say when I caught up with him.  I certainly couldn’t tell him the truth, and I certainly didn’t have the ability to push the lie any farther than I already had.  Instead of going after him, I placed my trash in the garbage and wandered across campus to Cistern yard, where I found an isolated patch of grass and pulled out my pipe.  I took a few hits, and then wrapped it up in its cloth case and slid it back in to my bag.  I sat there, on the grass, for a long time just watching people walk across campus or just studying on the lawn.  I saw frat brothers goofing around, sorority sisters giggling, and couples walking hand in hand across the campus grounds.

I wondered if Zac and I would ever have that freedom.  We hadn’t really talked about what we were doing, we were just…doing.  For a long while, I pondered this fact.  It started innocently enough, Zac just wanting to help someone he saw in need, and I just needed a friend who understood.  The first night we spent together in the hotel room, Zac was extremely emotional, having opened up a lot of old wounds.  Everything happened so fast, I barely had time to think before I realized what had happened.  There was a knot in my stomach I carried around for awhile after that, but as Zac and I got to know each other better, it became easier to ignore the guilt.

The guilt was slowly starting to boil under the surface, seeping out in a jealous by-product that came out swinging when I was drunk and a depression that was all consuming when I was sober.  I was jealous of other couples, I was jealous of Kate.  Hell, I was even jealous of Jessica, who at least didn’t have to hide her true relationship with Zac.  Whenever I would think about it, I would just get sad and angry.  The only thing that made things bearable lately was pot or Seroquel.   On either, I just didn’t care.  I could ignore the fact that Kate existed, and that as far as the world knew, Zac and I were just good friends—as close as siblings.

I was numb.

**

It was just Jess, her brothers, and I at dinner.  Relief had washed over me when I found out the guys had come by themselves; while I didn’t believe Isaac or Taylor had any idea of mine and Zac’s affair, I also wasn’t worried about being found out by one of them for some reason.  They seemed rather oblivious to the way Zac kept giving me meaningful glances every so often, or when he rested his hand on my knee underneath the table.  It almost felt as if we weren’t hiding a thing.

Except we were.

Halfway through our appetizer, I excused myself to the ladies room and hurried away from the table.  In the bathroom, I fumbled for the pill bottle in my purse.  I took out a Seroquel pill and crushed it on the counter top—I found the effects were almost instantaneous when snorted.  I lifted the now-powdered pill to my nose and inhaled sharply, then stared at myself in the over-embellished, silver-spray-painted framed mirror, waiting for the effects to kick in.

As my anxiety began to wane, I gathered my purse and walked back to the table, a relieved smile on my face.  Upon my return, I got a questioning look from Jess; I simply smiled lightly and took another bite of my salad, chewing slowly, while I docilely listened to the conversation.  When the waiter replaced my salad for my soup, I began to giggle.  It started quietly, but got louder after a minute and I realized I couldn’t stop.  Everyone at the table was staring at me, Taylor and Isaac with confused expressions, Jess with amusement on her face, and Zac with a knowing frown on his face.

The look in Zac’s eye caused my giggling to stop abruptly, and I cleared my throat, concentrating on the clam chowder in front of me.  I managed to keep my giggling in check for the remainder of the meal, though I could feel myself completely zoning out at times.  Jess kept nudging me to get my attention, trying to engage me in the conversation.  I was only able to provide short responses, and every so often I started giggling again.

Zac waited for Taylor and Isaac to walk toward the door before hauling me to my feet while their backs were turned.  “What did you take?” He asked me.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, good sir!”

“Ryland, don’t get cute.  You’re high.  What. Did. You. Take?” he grabbed my upper arm, forcing me to look at him, emphasizing each word as if he were talking to an uncooperative child.

I clapped my hands.  “You cracked the case, Sherlock!” I exclaimed, jerking my arm away angrily.

Zac reached out and stopped me again, this time his touch gentler.  “What’s wrong?”

I smiled, a calm settling back over me.  “Nothing…I’m good,” I nodded.  “Let’s go,” I turned and walked to the car, sitting next to Jess in the back seat.  Zac slid in beside me, his thigh pressing against mine as Taylor drove back to the house.  I was watching the street lights pass through the window on Jess’s side, counting the seconds it took for the light to get from the front of the window to the back.  I had counted one thousand, painfully silent seconds by the time we were turning in to our driveway.

I heard Zac say something to Isaac and Taylor that sounded like “I’m going to help Jess get her inside—she took something at dinner,” and then get out of the car.  I let him help me out, then guide me to the front door.  The Seroquel had mixed with the alcohol I had at dinner and was making me feel strange.  “Ryland? Hey, are you OK?”

“Hmm?” I turned to look at Zac, who I realized was holding me up.  “Oh, yeah, sorry…” my voice trailed off and I righted myself.  I was about to head up the stairs but somehow there were more than I remembered.  “Zac,” I whispered.  “There’s too many stairs.  I…can’t go up them!”  I heard Jess laughing, but it sounded really far away.  I squeezed my eyes shut and reopened them to find the stairs now moving.  “Make them stop moving,”

“They’re not moving,” Jess said, standing on the stairs.

She began to move with them, and I felt my knees get weak.  I dropped to the floor, watching the steps move and fold around each other.  Zac lifted me off the floor again, this time picking me up completely and carrying me up the stairs.  I rested my head against his shoulder, breathing in his cologne and tangling my fingers in his hair.  I sighed, happily, and all-too-quickly, Zac was setting me gently on my bed.  He took my shoes off and covered me with blankets slowly; it was almost romantic the way he took care from the moment he picked me up.  I felt a shared sadness between us as I looked up at him when he sat on the edge of my bed.

I placed my hand on his arm, tracing small circles on the flesh of his forearm with my thumb.  I was starting to feel sleepy.  Zac moved hair out of my face, his hand lingering on my cheek.  “I have to go,” he said.

“I love you,” I whispered in reply, my eyes drifting shut.

I felt him pause, then turn back toward me.  He leaned over and kissed me softly before exiting the room.

 

 

 

 

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