cinq.

Tears were running freely down my cheeks, a heaviness weighing down on me.  My heart felt as if it were in a vice, being squeezed to the point where it barely had enough room to beat.  It made it difficult to breathe.  I pressed my back to the wall and dug my feet in to the wood of the closet door, hoping the pressure would either center me or break the door open.  My hope leaned heavily toward the latter.

There was a knock on the door, and I hiccupped, trying to steady my breathing.  My name was said, muffled through the door, but the voice distinctly male.  The doorknob rattled and swung open, causing my heels to fall hard on to the ground.  I let out a soft yelp of pain, focusing my eyes on the pair of red Chuck Taylor high-tops just a few inches away.  The knees in the dark-washed skinny jeans bent and my eyes were drawn up to the face before me

“What’s wrong, little sister?”

I wiped my eyes with the shaking backs of my hands, shrugging.  I hiccupped again, and took my older brother’s outstretched hands.  He pulled me to my feet and gently led me out of my old bedroom closet to the twin bed on the opposite wall.  “Talk to me,” he prodded, sitting next to me on the worn comforter.

“I don’t know if I can handle him getting married, Liam.  Not t her.”  I was referring to our father—he was engaged to a woman maybe three years older than Liam.  He was old enough to be her father, but more than that, our mother hadn’t been dead a year when he announced his engagement to Kristie, a dental hygienist he met at a conference in Orlando two months after our mother passed.  I hadn’t liked her from the get-go; she seemed like a gold-digger, and I had said so to her face.  My father and I hadn’t been on the best terms since then, and the last eight months had been absolute torture.  Every time I spoke to my father, he had some new story in the Adventures of Kristie.

It made me want to simultaneously punch babies and vomit.

“He loves her, Ry.  How can we deny him happiness after all he went through with Mom?”  Liam rationalized.

“How dare you say that he loves her?  Mom hasn’t even been dead a year, Liam.  He hasn’t had time to grieve—she’s just a…a filler.  He was lonely and sad and she was the first thing he saw!  He doesn’ love er, Liam.  He can’t—he doesn’t even know her!”  I was shouting, probably loud enough for both my father and Kristie to overhear in the dining room where we’d left them, but I didn’t care.  I wanted them both to hear this.  “He might love her plastic boobs and idiotic laugh, but he does not love her.”

Liam was shaking his head, a smile on his face.  “Ryland, have you taken the time to get over yourself long enough to even see the way he looks at her?  Everyone grieves in his or her own way, and in his or her own time.  Dad will never get over Mom—she was his one true love.  But that does not mean he can’t or shouldn’t love someone else, even if it seems fast.”

My brother’s words knocked the wind out of me.  “This is unbelievable—you’re actually condoning this betrayal!” My voice broke as the tears began to fall again

“I think Mom would be happy that Dad’s happy…that he found someone to take care of him.”

“Take care of him?” I scoffed.  “Spending all his money isn’t taking care of him!  It’s doing the opposite of taking care of him.” I stood up and grabbed my bag off the desk chair.  “I need to go.  I can’t be here with the two of them, and I certainly can’t look at you anymore.”

Walking out in to the hallway, I slammed the bedroom door.  It let out a satisfying bang as I stomped across the floor like a child.  I stopped in the dining room to say a stiff goodbye to my father, completely ignoring Kristie.  She didn’t say anything to me, but I could feel her eyes on me as I gave my father a hug and kiss.  Once outside, I dug my phone out of my bag and texted Randy to find out if he was good, then climbed in to the car.

As the car turned over, the music came blaring through the speakers and the sound of Zac’s voice filled my ears.  I was immediately put at ease.  I sang along loudly as I began my drive home, wondering if he had been in my head at the time he wrote the lyrics to the song.  I was still crying as I pulled in to the driveway, the music still playing the same song, and out of nowhere, I began laughing.  For a solid ten minutes, I sat in the car tears running now from my uncontrollable laughter as opposed to sadness

There was a knock on my window, and I glance dup to see Randy standing outside with an amused look on his face.  I got out of the car, still laughing.  “Hey,” I said between giggles

“Hey,” he replied.  “What’s so hilarious?&rdquo

“I haven’t a clue,” I replied.  “I just had the worst night and yet…here I am laughing.”  I shrugged.  “Did you bring what I asked for?”  He nodded once.  “How much?”

“Eh, tonight it’s on me.”  He slung an arm over my shoulder as I unlocked the door.

**

Smoke filled my lungs, expanding them until I began to cough, expelling as much of it as I could.  I was already relaxing after just a few hits from the joint Randy had rolled for us, and a smile spread across my lips as I passed it to Jess.  I could barely remember what had me so upset earlier, thought I still vaguely felt the betrayal gnawing at the back of my mind

Randy held his hand out to me, but he wasn’t passing the joint back.  He had a small, round, yellow pill.  I picked it up and examined it; it had the word “Seroquel” printed on it in tiny lettering and I recognized it as the pill Zac had told me he had used.  I remember he told me it helped to mellow him out, make him, for all intents and purposes, numb.  Numb.  That’s what I needed.  I swallowed the pill without liquid, and then chased it with a shot of tequila

Ten minutes later, I was laughing again, begging Randy to go order a pizza.  He obliged, leaving the room to go get a take out menu.  Jess was lying on my bed, tracing patterns only she could see with her finger across the ceiling.  “You know what,” I managed to whisper

“What?”  Jess replied slowly.

“I’m gonna call Zac, that’s what.”  My mind was foggy, but one thing was certain—I needed to hear his voice

“Rylan’, that’s not a good…idea,” Jess was still holding her hand up to the ceiling but she’d stopped moving it.  “You know you shouldn’ be talkin’ to ‘im.”

“He understans e, Jess.  He is the only one who does.”  I was sitting with my phone in my hand, limply leaning against the bed.  “An’ his voice—uh, his voice!  You’re lucky you’re his sisser, ‘cause you dun hear it the way I do…”

I brought Zac’s number up in my phone and dialed it.  It rang about three times, and just as I thought it would go to voicemail, he answered, his voice low.  “Hey,”

“Hey.” I replied, concentrating on speaking clearly

“What’s up?”  He sounded like he was walking, trying to move to a more private location, and I suddenly became angry.

“Is she there?”  It was a snarky bite, and I let the control of my words slip as I started to see red.  Either that, or the pill was starting to take effect.

“Are you drunk?” he accused.

“Amon’ udder thins,” I slurred back.

He sighed; I imagined he was looking over his shoulder, trying to decide if he should continue to talk to me or go back to Kate.  “Ryland, is everything all right?”

The concern in his voice caused my anger to dissipate and I felt tears spring to my eyes.  “My dad…my dad is gettin’ remarried.”  I whispered.  “T’a gol’-diggin’ bish who’s like, three years oller den my brudder.”

“Does this gold-digging bitch make him happy?”

“Irrelevant!” I declared.  “Mom’s only been gone less ‘en a year.  He ish betraying her mem’ry.”

“Look, why don’t I call you tomorrow, when you’re sober?  We can talk more about it then, when you have a clear he—“ he stopped mid-sentence, and I heard ruffling, then a muted conversation.  “I have to go,” he said in to the phone.

“Tell ‘er is impor’ant! She can wait.” I snapped.

“I have to go,” he insisted.  “I’ll call you tomorrow,” he added in a hushed voice.

“Wha’ever.”  I hung up the phone, defeated.

“I told ya it wasn’t a good idea,” came Jess’s voice from the bed

“What wasn’t?” I looked up to see Randy standing in the doorway, holding a pizza box in his hands.  “I didn’t get mushrooms, if that’s what you’re talking about.”

Jess sat up, shaking her head.  “Nah, it was’n the pizza.  Rylan’ called my brother.  M married rother that she has a thing for.”

Randy sat down cross-legged in front of me, setting the pizza box slowly on the floor between us.  “Oh.”

“Is ok,” words were getting harder to form.  “He has a thing for me, too…”

 

 

 

 

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