quatre.

“Your turn.”

I turned to look at Zac in the pre-dawn light filtering through the blinds.  He was lying on his back, one hand on his chest, using the other to trace circles on the palm of my hand with his fingertips.  The muted glow eliminated his profile in silhouette, accentuating the strong square of his jawline.  I knew what he was asking, and I thought about diving in to it in sordid detail, but I wasn’t sure I was ready to delve in to my past with him.  It wasn’t something I liked to speak about, or even think about.  I knew, eventually, I’d have to explain it to him.  It was only fair given how open he had been with me; I just hoped that “eventually” would turn in to “never” at some point.

“Come on, Ryland, I know you’re awake and you heard me,” he playfully poked my side.  “Tell me.”

His tone of voice was gentle and concerned, something I hadn’t heard from someone in a very long time.  After a few more seconds of silence, I let out a nervous laugh.  “I think you’ll have to get me drunk again before I can face telling you that.”  I sat up, pulling the sheet up over my chest and reaching for my shirt.  “I have to get back to our room before people start waking up.”

Zac reached out and gently tugged the back of my shirt, pulling me toward him.  I turned in time for him to press his lips against mine in an earnest kiss.  “Don’t think this means I won’t ask again,” he whispered, letting me go.

At the door, I opened it a crack and peered out, checking to see if anyone was moving around the common area.  From what I could tell, Taylor had woken up long enough to turn the TV off at some point in the last two hours, but no one else seemed to be stirring.  I quietly padded across the room and opened the door to the room I shared with Jess.  As soon as I sat down on my bed, a light clicked on.  “Ryland? What are you doing?”

The unexpected brightness caught me off guard, especially because it meant Jess was awake and had heard me come in to the room.  Her voice was still groggy with sleep, and I assumed it meant the door opening had waked her up.  “Oh, I just had to go to the bathroom,” I lied.

“Oh, OK.”  The light turned off and shortly afterward I heard Jess’s breathing even out.

Once I was sure my heartbeat had returned to a normal rhythm, I settled in to the bed, pulling the covers over my head.

**

It was a long drive back to Charleston, and Jessica insisted on driving the entire way.  She had seen how heavy my eyes had been as we shuffled out of the hotel room that morning, and commented on my constant yawning at breakfast.  I explained how I was having trouble sleeping, which wasn’t a lie really.  I merely left out the part about how Zac had found me in the middle of the common area, invited me in, told me all about his turbulent relationship with Kate, then seduced me.

I felt ashamed by the fact that I let it happen.  I wasn’t sure if it was because he was married or because I let it happen so easily, but I felt a bit dirty thinking about it now.  I tried to fall asleep as Jess drove, but as soon as I’d finally felt myself drifting, my phone chimed loudly

It was a text message from Zac.

I almost didn’t look at it, but curiosity got the best of me.  I opened the text and read the three-word message six times in a row, not sure if I had read it correctly.  When the message hadn’t morphed in to something else by the seventh time reading it, I knew my eyes were not playing tricks on me and a small smile broke on my lips.  “Miss you already”, I read once more to myself.

I replied with a simple “Me too,” then set my phone in my lap.

“Who wa that?” Jess asked.

“Oh, no one…”I tried to sound casual, but I could feel this giddy feeling rising in my stomach that I had a hard time hiding

Jess scoffed.  “C’mon, you don’t respond that quick to just anyone! Was it Will? He seemed to take quite the liking to you.”

I didn’t have anyone else to tell her it was, and I knew she wouldn’t stop until I gave her some kind of name, so I just said: “Uh…yeah.  We had fun last night…I think, from what I remember…”

“You were pretty wasted.  How many drinks did you have?”  I let Jess guide the conversation from that point; I knew eventually she’d get side tracked and start telling a story.  Before I knew it, we were pulling in to our driveway.  Jess was still going on about Will, a subject that was further fueled when we approached our front porch and saw a gigantic flower arrangement sitting by the front door.  “It’s addressed to you!” Jess squealed excitedly.

Confused, I picked the flowers up as Jess unlocked the door, fumbling with my bags and the large orchid arrangement.  I pretty much dropped all my bags in the foyer and marched the flowers to the kitchen, reaching for the card nestled within the flowers.  The message was simple, but sent my heart racing for the billionth time in the last twenty-four hours:

“Ryland, thank you for listening.  You are an exceptional woman and I can’t wait to see you again. –Z”

“Ooo, what does it say?” Jess had walked in to the kitchen as I was reading, trying to peek over my shoulder.  “Your face is Elmo red,” she laughed.  “That naughty?”

I smiled to myself.  “No, not naughty.  Sweet.”  I folded the note and slipped it in to my pocket.  “Really, really sweet.”

**

The cursor blinked mockingly at me as I stared at a blank Word document.  All I wanted was for this twelve-page paper on human sexuality to be done, but I hadn’t even been able to get an introductory paragraph typed.  I felt a little cheated that my professor had sprung this paper on us Thursday night, a surprise assignment left out of the syllabus, with the expectation that it be completed by Monday.  He further went on to say that the paper would encompass fifteen percent of our overall grade.  I was imagining shooting him with laser beams from my eyes as he gave us this assignment, wondering the entire time how one person could be so cruel.

The only logical explanation was that Professor Moody was the devil incarnate.

Two days in to the paper and I had started about five drafts of the paper, all to be set aside to start over.  I was about to start my sixth when my phone rang, flashing Zac’s name on the caller ID.  I really needed to get this paper done, and debated letting it go to voicemail, but I knew I’d regret it—Zac rarely found occasion to call me, as he was always with his brothers, or worse, his wife.  As it was, it had been nearly three weeks since the night in the hotel room in Charlotte and the most we’d had in the way of conversation had been via text messages here or there.

Knowing it might be another week or longer before I’d get the opportunity to talk to him, I answered by the third ring.  “Hey!  How long do we have?”

“Just a few minutes; I had to hear your voice.  How are you?”

“Miserable.  My Human Sexuality professor is a dick—he conveniently left a twelve-page paper off the syllabus that is due on Monday…he just told us about it yesterday.”

“Ouch,” Zac laughed.  “It’s things like that that make me glad I never went to college!”

“Well, not all of us can be rock stars…” my voice trailed off.  “Anyway, how are you?  What have you been up to?  Where are you?”

Zac laughed again.  “I’m good…same old, same old.  We’re in Arlington right now…just a stop over on our way Raleigh.”

“Raleigh?  When are you going to be in Raleigh?” my heart skipped a beat and then began to race.  Raleigh was only a six-hour drive; if I left early in the morning, I could easily make it with time to spare.

Zac was silent for a second.  “Tomorrow,” he finally replied.

“Why didn’t you tell me?  I’m sure I could come up with some reason to be in Raleigh for the day.  There’s a ton of great shopping…I could tell Jess I wanted to spend some time to myself or something.”  Silence again.  “Zac?”

“That…really isn’t a good idea.  Not this time,”

My stomach flipped and I felt my eyes start to burn with the threat of tears.  “Kate’s with you.”  It was an acknowledgement of the unsaid rather than a question.

“I gotta go, Ry; I’ll try to call you back in a few days, ok?”  He had lowered his voice, and I assumed someone had come close enough to potentially overhear our conversation.

“Yeah, OK.” I hoped he could not tell how disappointed I was, but at the same time kind of wished he could.  If he did, he didn’t say anything—he just said good night and we hung up

There was an emotion welling inside me that I couldn’t quite place; it was some weird cross between sadness, anger, and jealousy.  Rationally, I knew I had no right to feel any of those emotions over the situation.  I was, after all, the other woman.  Yet I couldn’t help but feel cheated out of the opportunity to spend time with Zac.  As soon as I let rationale take over, I became angry with myself for even letting this situation I was in occur.  Then, another realization hit me; truth so unwavering I felt every inch of my being sink a little farther in to the black hole I had once sought solace in.

I was falling in love with him.

The information was too much to process, and suddenly Professor Moody’s paper didn’t seem so important.  I got up from my desk and began pacing back and forth through my room trying to channel my energy in to something productive.  The paper wasn’t going to happen, not tonight, and Jess was out with the other girls on the soccer team.  I remembered that my biopsychology lab partner sold pot, a subject that had been breached rather openly the first day of class, and reached for my phone.

Twenty minutes later, Randy knocked on the front door.  When I opened it, he stepped inside and let a small bag drop from his palm.  I led him to my bedroom, providing him with rolling papers, and sat at my desk watching him form a joint.  He lit it, took a few drags, and then handed it to me.  By the time the cherry was burning my fingertips, I still hadn’t spoken a word.  Randy stood up, looking at his phone before telling me he had to get going.

“Another customer?”

“No, it’s the bio-psych test on Tuesday.  I haven’t studied for it and I know that if I don’t start know, no amount of cramming Monday night is going to help.”

“I’ll study with you; stay here.”  I pulled my book and notes out and spread them on the bed.  “I take better notes than you do, anyway.”

“That’s because you take notes and I don’t,”

I looked up at him, a playful smile on my lips.  “Then all the more reason you should study with me…” I let my voice trail off as the effects of the weed fully set in.  Randy sat back down on the bed, and before he could open the book I leaned over and kissed him hard on the lips.  “I need some help with my Human Sexuality paper first, though,” I whispered.

 

 

 

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