tois.

The familiar bass line pounded through me, vibrating my entire body.   Lights were flashing and people were dancing around me, bodies bumping in to mine.  Each piece of contact sent electricity bolting through every nerve ending.  There was a loud swell of cheers and shouting from the people around me and I made note of the absence of vibrations.  It only took a few moments before it picked up again, this time a different song, but it came with the same response.

I closed my eyes and stood still in the midst of the chaos.

“Come with me,” came a whisper in my ear.

I turned, allowing the body attached to the voice to pull me through the crowd.   When I gathered my senses, I noticed I was standing off to the side of the stage.  Jess was to my left, leaning against the guardrail casually, singing along to a song she had probably heard more times than anyone else there that night.  I recognized the melody and hummed along in my head.  The sound of the piano made me feel like I was floating.

It was a good forty minutes later when I realized the music had stopped and the lights had come up.  I opened my eyes, a smile I could not control plastered across my face.  “That was cosmic,” I said to no one in particular.

“Well thank you,” came a voice from slightly above me.  It sounded familiar.  I looked up to see Zac looking down at us from the stage, smiling.  “I’m glad you had a good time.”  He hopped off the stage and came to stand in front of us.  “Hey Jessie,” he gave his sister a hug and then turned to me and gave me a hug as well.  “It’s good to see you, Ryland.”

I couldn’t move.  His arms were around my shoulders in a comforting, friendly embrace.  They were so strong and so welcoming; they sent fire through my entire being.  I could not move, could not speak; the only response I was able to produce was to breathe in his salty-sweet scent—a sultry combination of cologne and exertion from drumming for two hours straight

The moment lasted forever and was over too quickly.  Before I had a chance to process what had happened he was pulling away.  I almost cried out for him not to—his touch had been the most overwhelmingly sensual experience I had had all night.  Maybe even that I had ever had.  Stunned, I just looked up at him, mouth open slightly in awe.  His eyes locked with mine and we both paused, still standing close enough to each other to feel the heat emanating from the other’s body

Every inch of my skin was tingling.

Zac coughed, straightening up.  “Um, we’re having a little party at the hotel, sort of a celebration of tour kick off.  Since you guys are here, you have to come.  You can stay with us at the hotel so you don’t have to drive three hours back to Charleston tonight.  Oh, and tomorrow’s a day off—we’re going out to dinner at this place downtown called Camilla’s.  I know how much you love Italian, Ryland, so you’d best join us.”

He hadn’t broken eye contact with me nearly the entire conversation, save for a few glances toward his sister, which had appeared forced.  Whether from the X I had taken prior to their set or the after-effects of his touch, I wasn’t sure, but it took me a moment to process what he had actually said.  Before I had a chance to respond, Jessica was explaining the pile of homework she had sitting on her desk.  Zac’s smile faded to be replaced with a look of disappointment.  I put my hand on my friend’s shoulder, stopping her mid-sentence.  I grinned widely, laughing  “Jess, it’ll be there when we get back…we can work on it together Monday; we don’t have classes, remember—President’s Day?”

The smile had returned to Zac’s lips.

“Oh, yeah…” Jess smiled widely.  “I forgot about President’s Day,” she laughed.

“Great!  So, we’re staying at the Charlotte Hilton downtown.  Here’s my room key; we’re going to be maybe another forty-five minutes to an hour.   You guys head over there and we’ll meet you.  We’re just going to have some drinks in the room with Demetrius and Will, nothing huge.  You guys want anything special to drink?  The bus pretty much has a fully-stocked bar…”

“Tequila!”  Jess replied enthusiastically.

Zac shook his head.  “I figured.  Ryland?”

“I’ll drink anything that isn’t beer,” I shrugged, still smiling stupidly.  “OH! Jess, do we have any green left?”

Jess peeked in her purse, reaching her hand in and feeling around.  She pulled it out a moment later.  “Enough for one J or two bowls.”  She was beaming.

Zac was watching us, then looked over his shoulder, leaning in toward us.  “Don’t smoke it without me…I’ve got a little I’ll throw in.”


**

“You are aware that he’s married.”  My head snapped to the driver’s seat.  Jess looked very stern as she concentrated on navigating the early-2000 model Honda Civic to the hotel

“What?”

“Zac.  He’s married—happily, at that, with two beautiful babies.  Don’t you dare do anything that will jeopardize that.”

Taken aback, I had no response to what she had said, other than to think to myself about how not happily married he was.  I had learned two things about Zac Hanson in the three months since we had met:  The first was that he was very persistent and very caring and the second was that Zachary Hanson was anything but happily married.  All of this I had gathered by simple human observation.  The one thing I had yet to figure out was why he was so unhappy in his marriage

It also was baffling to me to think I was the only person in his entire life to ever take notice.

“Ryland, are you listening?  Stay away from Zac.  He means well, but you had that…look.”

“Look?  What look?”

“The same look you had the night you stayed in Jimmy Cromwell’s dorm until dawn and came home tripping your face off.  Before you left the party with him you had this look…like all you wanted to do was sink your teeth in.”

“I swear I won’t do anything with your brother, Jess.  Other than maybe toke up and get obliterated.”  I wasn’t a home wrecker, and had no intention of going after her brother.  I couldn’t make any promises if he went after me, though.

Jess sighed, almost as if she heard my internal dialogue.  There was a concerned look on her face the rest of the drive, and I wondered if it was because she honestly didn’t trust me or if she knew what was really going on with her brother.  Or, was she concerned that it would be her brother that would try to make a move on me.  I smiled at the thought—since our hug at the venue my entire body had been in a heightened state.  The air felt thick, but not unpleasantly so, and everything and everyone I touched seemed to send fierce electrical sparks coursing through my veins.

Was that still the Ecstasy or was I really having such a physical reaction to his touch?

I leaned my head on the window, watching the streetlights cast moving shadows on the dashboard.  A large monster was swallowing a small animal when we pulled up to the Hilton.  Jess was chatting about how happy she was we decided to pack over night bags just in case we wound up staying the night, and that she couldn’t wait to get in to her pajamas.  I grabbed my bag and followed her in to the hotel, noticing my feet weren’t cooperating very well with my brain’s commands.  I checked the clock hanging above the concierge’s desk in the lobby—the big hand hovered dangerously close to the one a.m. mark

As I covered a yawn with the back of my wrist, I noticed suddenly that Jess and I were being stared at.  I placed my hand on her arm and pulled her closer to me, whispering in her ear.  “Why are those girls staring at us?”

Jess glanced over her shoulder in the direction of four girls, sitting in the lobby without any type of bags.  Jess sighed.  “They recognize me.  C’mon—the guys usually book a whole floor so that no one else can room near them.  Once we get up there it’ll be fine.”

We were patiently waiting for the elevator when one of the girls came up behind us.  She didn’t approach us, just hovered slightly behind us, watching.  I assumed she was waiting to find out what floor the elevator stopped on.  When we got in the elevator Jess hit all the buttons in the elevator, confirming my suspicions.  As the door closed, she gave a tight smile to the girl

“You did not seriously make this thing stop at every floor.”

“It’s the only way.  If I hadn’t done that, she’d have seen what floor we got off on, and then the entire floor would be flooded with little she-devils trying to get their paws on my brothers and/or their things.  It sucks, but it’s an unfortunate reality in the life of a Hanson.”

When we finally reached our floor, we exited the elevator and made our way to the room printed on the electronic key card.  It easily opened to reveal not just any hotel room, but a suite of rooms connected to one central living area, complete with a flat-screen TV, a mini-fridge, a microwave, a computer desk, and a lush sofa.  There were four rooms off the main living area, three bedrooms, and one gigantic bathroom.  The only thing missing from the room was a kitchen; otherwise it could have doubled for an apartment.  Jess had set her bag down on the sofa and was pulling back ceiling-to-floor curtains to reveal a sliding glass door that led on to a wide balcony overlooking the courtyard

“Is this for real?” I asked in my astonishment.

Jess turned to me, a confused look on her face.  “Yes it’s for real…” her voice trailed off.  She suddenly looked embarrassed.  “I’m sorry, I should have told you.  The guys always get a suit together if they’re without Kate, Natalie, and Nikki.  Even if the girls were here they’d still have suits, just…not as big and all separately.  Anyway, it’s kind of a tradition with them.”  She shrugged as if it were no big deal and went about checking the sofa to find out if it was a pull out.

I wandered in an out of the rooms, fingering the thousand thread-count Egyptian cotton sheets on the beds and rubbing the soft bathrobes against my cheek, making a mental note to try and stuff one of them in to my bag before we left.  I was trying to determine how difficult it would be to wear two layers of clothes when I heard voices out in the hall.  I casually sat down on the sofa, as if I had been there the whole time, and waited patiently as the door beeped, then opened.

Isaac walked in first, carrying his guitar case, followed by Zac and finally Taylor, whom I had yet to officially meet.  Two other men walked in behind them, who I assumed to be Demetrius and Will.  Jessica gave the two men hugs, and introduced me to them as well as Taylor.  Zac had dropped his bags somewhere and was already mixing drinks.  Taylor dumped a bag of snack food on the coffee table and everyone began drinking and eating and talking.

**

It was quiet—everyone had fallen asleep, but I was wide-awake.  I faintly saw the glow from the TV under the door to the room Taylor had graciously offered his sister and I, but heard no sound save for Jess’s rhythmic breathing.  I was drunk, and still a little high, and it was extremely hot in our room.  I felt suffocated, and suddenly very thirsty.

 

Deciding I could no longer take the oppressive heat or the dryness in my mouth, I got up and walked softly in to the main room, overly aware of where I was stepping. Using the light cast by the TV, I carefully tiptoed to the mini fridge on the opposite side of the room to get a bottle of water.  I was just turning around to head back to the bedroom when the door next to the mini fridge creaked open.  Zac poked his head out and looked around before settling on me.  A smile broke on his lips

“I thought I heard someone out here,” he whispered.  “Can’t sleep?”  I shook my head, too afraid of waking anyone else up to speak.  “Me either.  Wanna come in?”

I bit my lower lip, thinking about it for a solid thirty seconds before nodding and scurrying past him in to his room.  He closed the door and sat down on the bed.  I just stood in the middle of the room awkwardly until he motioned me over to him on the bed.  “I shouldn’t be in here,” I commented after I sat next to him on the bed.

“Why not?”

I scoffed softly, as if it were obvious.  “I…promised Jess I’d keep my distance.” I explained.  “She’s got this crazy idea in her head that I want to get you in bed.”

Zac looked from me to where we sat and back with a smirk on his face.  “Mission accomplished,” he joked.

Even though I was sure he couldn’t see by the moonlight coming in through the window, I felt my face get hot and flush.  “I should really go back to our room,” I said hastily, standing.

“Stay.”  Zac’s voice wasn’t pleading, nor was it asking.  He was telling me to stay.

“Why?”

I saw him shrug in the shadows.  “I don’t want to be alone.”

That was all the explanation I needed.  I sat back down on the bed, folding my legs beneath me.  We sat in silence for a while, me finishing my bottle of water while he leaned back against the mound of pillows at the head of the bed.  He finally broke the silence, speaking softly enough that he would not wake anyone up, but loud enough where I could easily hear his every word.

“I know you think I’m weird,” he began.  “Since day one I’ve been in your business, telling you to trust me and to confide in me.  I know why you haven’t—it’s because you don’t trust me, and really you have no legitimate reason to.  I’ve been pushy with you opening up to me but I haven’t been willing to do the same in return.  I’m sorry for that.”

“It’s OK; I actually think it’s kind of sweet that you care so much…I just wish I knew why.”

He took a deep breath before continuing.  “About six years ago, just shortly after I had proposed to my wife, she told me that she thought she was pregnant.  Now, you’d think that wouldn’t be such a problem—we were already engaged and planning a wedding.  Except for the fact that we had never slept together.”  He paused, but continued before I could ask any questions.  “We’d been together since I was fifteen and, at the time we started dating, we were both virgins and she wanted to stay that way until marriage…and I did, too.  When we got older we started to experiment with other things but we never actually had sex.

“So, you can imagine my surprise when she sat me down and told me she thought she was pregnant.  She was admitting to me that she had not only cheated on me but that she had given her virginity to someone else.  I felt so betrayed…I couldn’t eat, and I couldn’t sleep.  My whole world felt as if it were imploding, collapsing in on me.  I had convinced myself that no one would be able to understand what I was going through, so I spent a lot of time by myself.  I holed up, writing, drinking, and smoking, but it wasn’t helping.  I still felt empty inside.  I started going out to clubs by myself.  I’d dance with random girls and even random guys.  I found myself in a situation one night where someone had offered me a pill.  I didn’t know at the time what it was, but I took it and in five minutes I was flying.  Nothing could touch me—not the fact that Kate had cheated on me, or that I was living alone in a one-bedroom apartment, or that I hadn’t produced a measure of usable music since it all happened.  All I could do was feel…euphoric.  So, I went back to the club the next night, and the next, and the next.  Before I knew it, I was buying these pills from this guy so I could take them at home.”

His voice broke, I sensed that he was crying and slid closer to him on the bed, instinctively reaching my hand out and placing it over his, gently squeezing.  He took a few moments to regain his composure; I felt like a moron just sitting there holding his hand but I had no idea what to say in response to everything he had just told me.

“I did my best to keep to myself, but if I had to go out in public or see family, I’d take Xanax and force a smile.   One night, Tay came over to check on me.  I was passed out on the bed—I’d taken a pill, which I had found out was a street-manufactured version of Seroquel, but it wasn’t helping, so twenty minutes later I took two Xanax.  I still was depressed, so I drank an entire twelve pack in the span of an hour and then taken at least two more pills.  At least, that’s what the ER doctors told me they thought had happened—I don’t remember anything after my second beer.  I only remember waking up in the ER the next morning feeling like I had died.  I remember wishing I had.

“I spent a lot of time in therapy after that.  Kate and I even did couple’s therapy.  She felt so guilty, but her life went on…she found out it was a false alarm, berated herself in to near-anorexia, and for almost a year we didn’t speak.  Eventually we worked through a lot of our issues, as you can see…but it’s stayed with me.  And I think I kind of resent her a little for it.  No, I do resent her—a lot.  For the first few years of our marriage, especially after Shepherd was born, I had convinced myself I had forgiven her.  We finally had the family we had wanted.  But when we were recording Shout It Out and she got pregnant with Junia…I started to second-guess her.  I spent an awful lot of time writing and traveling in 2009 and 2010.  She and I had been intimate only a handful of times in a twelve month period—how could she have been pregnant again?  And even though I know without a doubt that Junia is mine, sometimes when I look at her I get so angry…”

His voice trailed off and he wiped his eyes with the back of his hand, taking a shaky breath.  “Do you have any idea what it’s like to not trust the one person in this world you’re supposed to without a doubt?  It is so incredibly lonely.”

I swallowed a lump that had formed in my throat, leaning my head against his in the dark.  “I’m so sorry that happened to you,” I whispered.  He was still sniffling, trying to slow his breathing.  Remembering how my mom used to run her hands through my hair as a child when I was upset, I moved my hand to the back of his head, gently running my fingers up from hairline to crown in a slow, repetitive pattern.  “You’re not alone, though.  You’ve got your brothers and sisters, and your parents.  You have friends…and you have me.”

Zac sat up a little on the bed and turned toward me, softly grasping my wrist, guiding my hand from his hair to the side of his neck.  Suddenly, his lips were pressed against mine and his arms were snaking around my waist, pulling me closer to him.  I couldn’t react—I knew that we shouldn’t be doing what we were doing but couldn’t bring myself to push him away.  Every fairy tail feeling imaginable was coursing through my body:  there was heat and passion, and in the chaos of it all a calm that spread through me

I let him push me back on the bed, wrapping my arms around his neck and holding him close as his hand found the hem of my shirt.  When his fingertips hit the flesh of my belly, I nearly exploded.  I pulled away, gasping.  “Zac,” I whispered.  “Zac, we can’t…”

 

 

 

Previous | Next