duex.

Dinner was insane, delicious, and more expensive than I had ever seen one dinner bill be—yet Zac and Isaac insisted on splitting the bill and refused to take any money from their sister or I. The drive home was relatively quiet; Isaac and Nikki had offered to take all the kids back to the hotel and get them tucked in, and Kate decided to ride with them. Jessica’s head had fallen against the window, her eyes slipping closed, almost as soon as her brother started his car. She was lightly snoring by the time we pulled out of the parking lot.

“Late night last night?”

Startled out of the silence, I glanced up to see Zac peering at me through the rear view mirror.

“Oh,” I laughed softly, shaking my head a bit to clear it. “Yeah; we went to a club for a bit. An hour turned in to two, turned in to three…you know how it goes, I’m sure.”

Zac nodded, returning is attention to the road. “It’s been awhile since I was out at a club until last call, though. At least, not unless I was working.” The soft, sad tone of voice he had during our conversation before dinner was back. It almost caught me off guard; he had been so jovial at dinner, a sincere smile on his face, light-hearted laughter, and a genuine look of pride for his family.  This was such a stark contrast.

We sat in silence for the rest of the ride, but I kept an eye on him from the back seat. He seemed to remain in thought as he drove, some long-lost memory playing in his head, and the smile I saw at dinner beginning to tug at his lips. It lasted only briefly, and the corners of his mouth sank; clearly his happy reminiscence had been replaced by something much darker in his past.

I was about to ask if he was all right when we pulled in to the driveway. Zac nudged Jess to wake her up, indicating we had arrived. She stretched, a smile on her face, and turned to her brother. “Come in for a few minutes,” she nodded toward the house.

“Ah, Jess, I can’t tonight. Kate’s expecting me.”

He sounded disappointed.

“OK. I’ll talk to you later…we should go to the aquarium with the kids before you leave.” She leaned over and gave her brother a hug, then opened the door to get out.

I followed suit, thanking Zac again for dinner. “No problem,” he smiled, lowering his voice a bit. “You know, I meant what I said earlier—you could talk to me if you wanted to.”

**

As hard as I tried to ignore it, the knocking on the front door didn’t seem to subside.  With a heavy sigh, I got up from my bed, wrapped myself in my robe, and trotted downstairs to see who it was that just couldn’t take a hint.  When I pulled open the door, eyes squinting against the late-morning sun, I nearly stopped breathing.  Zac was standing there, hands tucked in the front pockets of his jeans.  His hair was slightly disheveled by the breeze, his leather jacket open to reveal a Cheap Trick t-shirt with a small stain above Bun E. Carlos’ image.

“Hey,” he smiled widely at me.  “I guess I should have called first…” his voice trailed off and he nodded toward my robe.

“Yeah, I guess…” I shook my head, trying to think straight.  “Um, Jess isn’t home—she had class this morning.”

“I know.   I came to see you,”

My mouth opened to respond but I quickly realized I wasn’t sure what to say.  “Oh,” was the best I could manage

Zac raised an eyebrow. “Can I come in?”

“Oh! Oh yeah, come on…” I stepped aside and let him in.  “Um, come sit down.  Did you want some coffee? I can make a pot.”  He just nodded, following me in to the kitchen.  “So, what’s up?”  I asked nervously.

“Oh, I just wanted to check in with you.  See how you were doing.”

“I’m…good.  Confused, but good.  How are you?”

He shrugged, sitting down at the dining table.  I began brewing a pot of coffee; Zac sat in silence for awhile—it wasn’t until I was pouring coffee in to Jessica’s ‘I Heart Tulsa’ mug for him when he spoke again.  “I see a lot of myself in you.”

I looked up from the mug and saw his eyes; they were sad again.  “How so?”

“You’re sad, but you hide it well.  You pretend you’re OK when you’re around people but when you’re by yourself…well, when you’re by yourself you have to coach yourself through every moment of the day.  You take a pill here, smoke a bowl there, just to numb it.”

The mug clanked when I set it down in front of him; I was shaking.  I concentrated on taking a sip from my own mug, contemplating what he had said.  My initial reaction was defensive, angry, and cynical without me intending for it to be.  “What makes you such an expert on me?”  I snapped.

Zac smiled softly.  “It’s not you I’m the expert on, Ryland…but I told you I’ve been there.  And honestly, I can tell you it’s a scary place to be if you’re there by yourself.”

“I highly doubt you’ve ever been where I’ve been,” I retorted.  “What in the world would you have to be sad about?  You’re famous; you get to do what you love for a living.  You’ve traveled the world, met who knows how many other famous people.  You have famous friends.  You have a beautiful wife who obviously adores you, and two amazing children.  Your life is perfect.”

“By whose definition?” He was staring in to his coffee mug, a forlorn expression on his face.

I sighed, sitting down across from him at the table.  “He who lives in glass houses…” I mumbled.  “Look, you’re right.  I don’t know a thing about you or your life.  But what makes you so sure you’re right about me and mine?”

“Am I?  Because if I’m not, please—tell me.  I’ll feel like a gigantic jackass but at least the air will be clear between us.”

“I—yes.” I shrugged, defeated.  “You’re almost absolutely correct, about everything.”

“Almost?”  he raised an eyebrow, turning his eyes up to me from his mug.

“I’m not that great at hiding it in front of other people.  I think it’s why Jess is my best friend…she doesn’t see it, or at least she doesn’t judge me for it.  She doesn’t try to talk me in to therapy or try to force medication on me.”

Zac scoffed.  “So her offering you Ecstasy at parties, or a bowl before class, isn’t trying to force medication on you?”

“That’s my choice.  Jess doesn’t have anything to do with my choices.”

An amused smirk appears on his lips.  “Ryland, I know my sister, and I love her to death, but don’t think me that naïve.  Jessica has had a rebellious streak to her for as long as I can remember.  Maybe she felt resentment for us getting so much attention, or maybe she would have turned out the same way if we hadn’t had so much success…while she appears to be an angel to our parents, my sister is anything but.”  He paused to take a slow sip of his coffee.  “I know that she parties.  I know that she smokes pot and I know that she takes pills.  I know, because I’m the one who got her started.  And I also know that she’s the one who got you started.”

“I asked her.”  My voice was low, guilty.  “I asked her to get me started.  I couldn’t take it anymore.”

“Couldn’t take what?”

His question caught me off guard.  Even though, in my mind, I had figured he might ask the question I still hadn’t been prepared to receive it.  The only thing I could offer in return was a shrug and one simple word.

“Everything.”

Zac’s smile faded and he nodded.  “I get it—you don’t want to talk.   I didn’t want to talk for a long time, either.  I still don’t…but I do, and that’s the difference between you and I.  I’m willing to admit when I need help and swallow my pride to ask for it.  Don’t get me wrong; it took me a very long time to get to this point and it’s still extremely difficult to reach out, which is why I’m trying to do for you what no one did for me:  Be there for you before you realize you need someone there for you.”

He got up and walked to the pad of paper Jess and I kept on the fridge to write our grocery list down.  He picked up the pen and scribbled something down, tearing the piece off and handing it to me.  “It’s my cell.  If—when you’re ready to talk to someone, call me, or text me.  Or, if you don’t want to talk to me but you want to talk to someone, I know people and I can get you in touch with someone.  Just, don’t think that you’re alone or that your only option is in a pill bottle.”

Deep down, I knew he was right, but that didn’t stop me from marching up the stairs to the bathroom as soon as he left.

**

“Ryland?”

My eyelids opened, very slowly, to reveal Jess standing above me.  It was hard to hold them open; they felt like they were made of cement and were tied to my lower lids with very taught elastic.  “Hey Jess,” I tried to murmur.  I realized my mouth wasn’t working, either.

“Ryland, are you OK?  Can you sit up?” Jess’s voice sounded concerned.  No, it sounded scared.

“I’m fine,” the words formed this time.  “Just tired.”

“God, Ryland you scared me to death.  You’ve been asleep all day.  I tried to wake you up a few hours ago but you didn’t respond; I thought you had left for class already but then you didn’t show up.   I’ve been trying to wake you up for twenty minutes!”

I stretched, managing to work my way in to a sitting position.  “What time is it?”

“It’s ten o’clock.  PM.  Did you get out of bed at all today?”  Jess demanded, handing me a glass of water.

I nodded, taking a sip of the water.  “Your brother stopped by earlier.”

Jess had been reaching for the glass to set it down for me but stopped just shy of the glass.  “That was yesterday, Ry.”

“You’re joking, right?” my stomach growled loudly.  “Oh damn, I’m hungry.  Do you want to order a pizza?”

“I’m serious.  You slept for almost thirty-six hours!”  Jess sighed, picking up the phone and dialing it.  I assumed she was taking my advice and ordering from our favorite pizza shop.  I was about to tell her I what I wanted on it when she spoke to the person on the other end.  “I need your help.”  A pause.  “Yes.”  Another pause.  “Yes.”  One final pause.  “OK, see you soon.”

“Who the fuck was that? It certainly wasn’t the guy from Andolini’s.”

She sat down on the bed.  “Zac.”  I began to protest, but Jess held her hand up.  “Ryland, seriously.  After last semester we promised each other that whatever we did on the weekends to escape wouldn’t affect school.  That means no parties, no pills…not even a bowl if we have class in the next twenty-four hours.  And you had class—yesterday and today.  You missed Landon’s lecture today.  We have a freaking mid-term next week, and he is spending every day until then reviewing and you missed a huge chunk of information.”

“It’s just statistics.  I’m a math genius!  My middle school algebra teacher wanted me to skip to freshman math courses.”

Jess had a somewhat sad look on her face.  “I don’t want you to fail out of your last semester of grad school because it was easier to sleep for two solid days.  Now, please just talk to Zac.  He’ll help.  He helped himself, and he helped me.  He can help you…and if he can’t help you, he knows someone who can.”

“I don’t want to talk to anyone, Jess.  I don’t need to talk to anyone.  I’m fine!  I just slipped up.  Call Zac back and tell him I’m fine.  I promise, it won’t happen again.”

“Ok…but you have to go to class tomorrow.  And Zac and Isaac are coming over tomorrow afternoon to hang out while Kate and Nikki take the kids to some museums.  So, you should hang out with us after class.  You don’t have class on Thursday and I think we’re going out for coffee or something; it’ll be good for you to get out of the house and go somewhere other than school or a party.”

“I will do whatever you want me to…as long as we can get Andolini’s.”

“Fine,” Jess laughed.   “Let me call Zac and then I’ll order our usual.”

 

 

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