un.

The music was thumping loudly through the thin bathroom walls, vibrating my body as I leaned against the cheap ceramic sink. I could hear my friend Jessica talking to me, slurred, through a rusted stall door, but I was having a hard time understanding her. I couldn’t tell if it was because she was drunk, or if it was because of the pill I had taken twenty minutes ago, but all I heard–or thought I heard–was her talking about the pet rabbit she used to have when she was a kid.

I stared at myself in the mirror, not recognizing the girl who stared back. When did I get such dark circles user my eyes? I took a deep breath, held it for ten seconds, and slowly released it as Jessica stumbled out of the stall, still jabbering.

“So THEN I say to ‘im…lissen, I’ll be right back, ‘Kay? An’ ‘e said ‘Kay.” She was smiling stupidly at me as she struggled to turn the knob on the faucet.  “D’ya think ‘es still hhere?”

“Who?”

“Tha guy…the one with tha…Mohawk.” I couldn’t tell if she was swaying back and forth or if I was. “He said he had some X…said we should roll with ‘im.”

“Oh. That guy,” I replied, even though I wasn’t sure who ‘that guy’ was. Jessica and I had been at this club for a few hours; there were drinks to drinks, pills to swallow, and something I think was pot to smoke. I was almost completely obliterated-I didn’t even recognize my own reflection, much less that of a random guy.

“Less go find ‘im!” Jessica shouted.

She grabbed my wrist and dragged me out the door, the music assaulted me, turning from a loud thumping to a tidal wave of vibrations and sounds that I could feel deep in my chest. It felt like my heart was being knocked off its beat as Jessica dragged me closer to the DJ.  Her eyes were lazily scanning the mass of bodies grating all around is, mumbling “sorry” and “‘scuse me” as she bumped in to people.

“THERE!” She finally leaned in and shouted in my ear, point limply toward a guy with a purple Mohawk standing against the wall. She stumbled over to him, smiling. “HEY! STILL WANNA ROLL?!”

The guy eyed her a moment, shrugged, and held up two fingers. Jessica nodded, and the guy pulled two pills from a Baggie in the pocket of his leather jacket.  He wrote something down on a piece of paper, showing it to her. Jessica nodded, reached in to her pocket, and handed him a one-hundred dollar bill as he handed her the pills.

Jessica handed a pill to me, smiling. I examined the little white pill for a few seconds before popping in to my mouth and swallowing.

**

Someone was groaning to my left; I felt knees pushing in to my side and there was something soft, fuzzy, and vibrating on my head.  I opened one eye and absorbed my surroundings.  Jessica was the groaning individual, who also had her knees dug in to me, her cat, Morris, happily purring across my face.  I picked Morris up, scratching between his ears, and scooted away from Jessica, trying not to disturb her. “You hungry, buddy?” I asked, taking him in to the kitchen. He mewed loudly as I set him in front of his food dish, rubbing his head against my leg as I went to get his food.

I sighed heavily when I saw the clock. I couldn’t remember what time we stumbled in to the apartment we shared in Charleston, but the clock now read 2:06.  We had basically slept the whole day.  I dropped some food in to Morris’s dish and began to pour myself a bowl of cereal.

I was happily chomping away on my Frankenberries when Jessica came tearing down the stairs, a frantic look in her eye.  I watched, slightly amused, as she ran from the kitchen to the living room and back, dumping dishes in the sink and trash in to garbage pail.  I tried to think what could be the reason for her actions, as I had only seen her clean our apartment once in the six months we had been living together off campus. “Uh, Jess?” I called down the hall after her.  “Are we expecting the Queen sometime soon?”

“My brothers!” She shouted.  “And their wives!” She skidded to a halt by the table, panting exaggeratedly. “And…their…kids!”

“Kids?” I said through a mouthful of pink marshmallows.

“Yeah–luckily it’s not ALL of the kids; my brother Taylor, his wife, and kids are in Georgia visiting Natalie’s family ’cause they just had another baby…so we just have Everett, Monroe, Shep and Junia. They should be here in a couple hours–in time for this big dinner they wanna take me out on. Will you come with me? I hate going out with my brothers. If it’s not them being recognized, it’s them charming the pants off everyone in the room…or it’s then making fart jokes at my expense. Ok, that’s usually just Zac but he WILL be here.”

“Whoa, Jess, calm down. Yeah, I’ll go to dinner with you.”

“Awesome.  You’re gonna love them! And my niece–don’t tell anyone, but of all my nieces and nephews-even the new one, Willa–Junia, she is my heart and soul. I love that little girl so much more than any of the others. Is that bad?”

She was pacing back and forth in front of me, tapping her forefinger to her lips. I smirked, shaking my head. One of the main reasons I loved this girl was because she always paid so much attention and detail to things.  That tended to bite her in the ass more often than not and was hilarious.  “No, actually–it’s perfectly normal to have favorite family members.  My cousin Brady has this little dachshund–long hair–that he shows at amateur dog shows and shit–that dog is the most awesome dog on the planet.  Brady tells that thing to go get his dingy, and the dog starts to hump himself. I kid you not, the dog masturbates. Only on Brady’s command, though, no one else. I wonder why that is…”

Jess laughed, slapping my upper arm. “Would you also be an awesome roommate-slash-best friend-slash-sister-I-never-had and help me clean up?”

“Jess, you have two sisters and three sister-in-laws. But yes, I will help you, because I am awesome.”

**

I was just stepping out of the shower when there was a knock at the bathroom door.  “Just a minute,” I called, figuring Jess needed to get something from her toiletries.  I grabbed my towel and quickly wrapped it around my body and was reaching for my slippers when I invited the knocker in to the bathroom.  “You can come in now,”

There was a pause, and a deep chuckle.  “I’m OK to wait, thanks,” came a male voice.

I stopped moving, realizing Jessica’s brothers must have arrived while I was in the shower.  “Sorry, hold on,” I called back, finding my slippers and stuffing my still-damp feet in to them.  I opened the door to see what can only be described as an Adonis before me.  I couldn’t move, couldn’t speak:  I was standing in a towel, still wet from a shower, in front of what could have been the most God-like man I had ever laid eyes on.  “I…I’m so sorry,” I muttered, finally getting enough courage to speak.  I willed my feet to move shortly after and nearly sprinted to my bedroom.  I slammed the door, heart pounding.

After what seemed like hours, I was finally composed enough to finish drying off and get dressed.  I even found the ambition to do my hair and make up.  The coo-coo clock Jessica had hanging in the wall was cooing the six o’clock hour, and signaling my prep time was up

Just as I anticipated, there was a brisk knock on my door and Jessica’s semi-frantic voice saying; “Ok, it’s about that time…are you ready?”

I opened the door with a smile on my face, acting as casual as I could.  Jessica led me to our living room, and as we approached I heard the sounds of kids romping around and giggling, and adults talking and laughing.  I swallowed, bracing myself for what I was about to see:  I knew her brothers were handsome, but in person they were flawless.  They were famous.  Their wives would undoubtedly be absolutely gorgeous, thereby making me feel even more insecure.  And they’re probably very happy, and their kids adorable and polite

The scene that became visible before me did not disappoint my imagination’s wildest creations.  Four adults faced me, two men and two women, all equally gorgeous, all smiling at me.  The four kids—three boys and one lone girl—all stopped what they were doing and stood politely by their respective parents as we entered.

“Ok, everybody! This is my roommate, Ryland.  Ryland, this is my brother, Zac—“ Jessica started.

Zac held his hand out to me.  “We met already, informally,” he quipped with a smirk.

I felt myself blush as Jessica went down the line, introducing me to the rest of the family.  She had been right about one thing—her niece, Junia, was just about the most gorgeous thing I had ever seen…next to her daddy.  As hard as I tried, I could not stop myself from staring at Zac and reliving the moment I opened the bathroom door.  I felt so embarrassed;  he seemed to take it in stride and have already put it behind us, but I still could not stop blushing every time he looked at me.

The anxiety of it all was making me nauseous; I had never met anyone even remotely famous, let alone have dinner with them.  When I had met Jessica, it was a solid six weeks before I really knew she was related to the band Hanson.  That night I found out for certain, I held myself together long enough to get back to my dorm room, but as soon as I clicked the lock and found myself alone, I squealed and hopped and giggled like a pre-teen at a sleep over—and I didn’t even really listen to their music growing up.

 

Jessica was helping her sister-in-laws wrangle the kids up and in to the car when I slipped away to the bathroom.  I opened the medicine cabinet and looked for something—anything—to take to ease the knot in my stomach.  I found a muscle relaxer Jessica had prescribed to her a few months ago after pulling a hamstring at rugby practice.  I shook the small, round, pill in to my hand and put the bottle back

“I wouldn’t do that, if I were you,”

It was Zac; I recognized the timbre of his voice so easily and we’d barely spoken enough to introduce ourselves, and I did most of the talking, telling everyone the story of Who I Am and Where I Came From.

I was quick to retort, lashing out at him, unnecessarily.  “It’s a good thing you’re not me.”  I wanted it to sound sarcastic, cynical, biting.  Instead, it just sounded defeated.  I sighed, letting my guard drop just a little.

Zac stepped closer to me; he was talking but I barely heard much of what he said.  I responded where appropriate and in an expected pattern:  defensive if called out, offensive if given the opportunity.

Finally, he sighed, and shrugged, offering to listen if I wanted to talk.  “I barely even know you.”

“Sounds like I’m the perfect person to unload on, then.”

I scoffed.  He could not possibly understand anything.  My anxiety, my insecurities.  He was a celebrity, he had money, self-confidence, a gorgeous wife, wonderful kids…he had the perfect life.  But when I said there was no possible way on Earth he’d ever be able to understand what someone like me, a commoner, was going through, his reply threw me.

“Try me.”

It sounded so sincere; so empathetic.  His voice was soft as he spoke, and even though there was a smile on his gorgeous lips, I saw something amiss in his eye; a sort of brokenness that takes all of your energy to hide.  A sort of brokenness only recognized in others by those who carry it.

He was the same as me.

 

 

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